Safety, clarity, and connection are qualities that create a grounded experience in the nervous system. When confusion and disorientation are corrected (clarity), the body and brain feel safe (safety), and the ability to connect is freed up (connection). Over the many years I’ve been exploring attachment work and supporting clients in developing a felt sense of safety in their bodies, these are the aspects that have resonated most.
Read MoreOne of the things I share with clients all the time is the reminder that we come by our attachment patterning honestly. When we dig more deeply into this idea, we can recognize the importance of the family dynamics we experience when we are young and how those patterns shape our relationships as adults. So often, the stress of daily living becomes the soup we swim in as children.
Read MoreTwenty years ago, I had just turned 18 and my dad hadn’t died yet.
I was preparing to move for my first year of college. I was working as a hostess at a restaurant, eating baguette and butter for dinner most nights I was there. I was in a relationship with a person who was exceptionally intelligent and emotionally manipulative, and I felt like I didn’t deserve anything more than I already had, in that relationship or otherwise. My self-esteem was tanked and I was depressed.
This blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.
Read MoreI’m so happy to be here checking in with you—it’s been a wild few weeks in our house. After recovering from several viruses, we finally got COVID and it was as terrible as I suspected it might be! We are on the mend now and I’m more grateful for our health than ever. I know lots of folks have been through it lately, whether it’s health-related challenges or just a lot arising in relationships and the collective. I want you to know that I see you and I know it’s hard, but we are moving through it one day at a time.
Read MoreHas anyone else been feeling ALL the things lately? In most every session I have with folks, we are reflecting on the general “weirdness” of the collective right now. We have been holding so much for a long time, and it’s just been…hard. If you’re feeling it, I want to remind you that you aren’t alone and just like everything else, I think these strange times are a phase that will certainly shift. Practicing sitting with the discomfort of the moment is helpful (for now and always), taking the very best care of yourself that you can, and reaching out to and staying connected with the people who can see you, hold you, and love you when things become difficult are all good places to put your energy. We are going to get through it!
Read MoreI have always wanted more in relationships.
I remember being in elementary school, maybe 7 or 8, and deeply longing for a best friend. I had friends, but I always felt a little bit on the outside of those relationships. They would automatically play with each other at recess, and I had to ask to join; they sat next to each other at lunch, and I had to try to squeeze in or just choose to sit somewhere else. It wasn’t that they were being mean or intentionally excluding me as much as they were just in their own world together, and I wasn’t a part of it in a meaningful way until I was right there in front of them.
Read MoreI have been focused lately on really fine-tuning my life. This looks like examining each part of my day to day and schedule, structures and routines, and commitments and future plans to be sure everything feels like it’s in alignment. As a result, I’ve had to make some changes that are uncomfortable and stretch me in my commitment to growth—especially because I am so clear that self-betrayal (that looks like over-committing and/or committing to the wrong things) is a path I’ve been down before. I can also say that I have self-betrayed as recently as a few months ago, so it’s an ongoing journey for all of us!
Read MoreThe Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!
Read MoreI am soaking up these last few weeks of winter, taking pleasure in my cozy clothes, evening fires (Nico has been very interested in this process so it’s a sweet opportunity to slow down!), sipping hot tea, and eating homemade baked goods, and the invigorating feeling of a walk in the sun on brisk days. Soon we will be outside running and playing and socializing, and I am charging my batteries as much as possible before then. There is a lot to love in the slowness of these late winter days.
Read MoreI hope you are doing well and February is feeling more ease-full than January (I’m not sure what your January was like, but mine was LONG).
Like many of us, I’ve been hard at work in my own personal therapy on processing some of the difficult experiences I’ve gone through and growing my awareness of the old patterns I carry with me, many of which I don’t even realize are still hanging around. And just like my clients, I have had several moments where I’ve said out loud “I honestly thought I worked through that already! Why is it coming up for me again?” My answer to myself recently has been this: healing has many layers.
My toddler woke up at 4:15 this morning, and after that, my brain just wouldn’t shut off. I started thinking about how we address one another’s (and our own) attachment needs. I think social media has a wonderful place in our healing journey, and I am guilty of saving tons of posts intending to go back to them and explore them. But most often what happens is that an idea is triggered in my brain but never actually takes root. I love the concept, but I don’t actually learn how to apply it to my personal life or really get familiar with it. Am I learning when I do this? Or do I just feel like I’m soaking up information and then when it comes to applying it and showing up differently in my relationships, I’m following the same old patterns and feeling more frustrated because I’m overstimulated and full of information that I don’t have an outlet for?
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