Is Emotional “Neglect” Abuse? An Attachment Perspective

This blog post is a follow-up to a previously published post, Is Your Partner Avoidant or Abusive? Let’s talk about the differences. This post continues to receive comments and engagement, and I want to continue the discussion here with additional nuance and updated considerations.

I’ve written several times about this particular dynamic and the comments are fascinating. People say things like “emotional neglect IS abuse” and the truth is that it’s much more nuanced than “yes it is” or “no it isn’t.” We need to differentiate between childhood and adulthood, our capacities, our resources, our identities and privileges, and our abilities and capacities to make decisions for ourselves. But without a certain level of discernment and inquiry about what is happening in the relationship, we can’t use blanket statements like “my partner is abusive because they don’t meet my emotional needs”—because there is much more to it than that.

A necessary caveat here is to remind all of us that there are absolutely situations in which people are practically unable to leave relational dynamics that are harming them (or at the very least, don’t feel aligned for them) because they do not have the financial or social resources. Relationships in which clear power differentials exist and are being acted upon create significant harm for people and we can’t forget that those are real. When people fear retaliation from a partner that puts them at risk of physical harm or violence, we have to take that seriously and approach it accordingly. The only person who can determine if they feel safe leaving a relationship is the person experiencing the dynamic.

For the purposes of this article, I’m talking more about what people would consider to be some version of the anxious-avoidant dynamic, and the “emotional abuse” of being with a partner who lacks responsiveness in a relationship, the desire to repair, the curiosity to want to know their partner (and take steps to inquire), or the ability to maintain emotional closeness.

One of the things I’ve been noticing a lot lately is the use of certain mental health buzzwords or trendy ways of talking about relationships. I’m sure you’ve heard the word “narcissist” mentioned quite a bit recently, and words like “trauma”, “triggered”, and “gaslighting” used abundantly on social media. I am so grateful that words like these are making their way into the mainstream because it shows that there is curiosity and interest in understanding ourselves and a growing awareness of how we show up in our relationships. We also can’t forget that we must bring the intention of applying nuance to all of these categories. Without it, we are doing ourselves and others a disservice in understanding these dynamics and relational experiences and boiling experiences down to very basic categories. Real relational healing includes holding multiple truths at once, bringing compassion to ourselves and others, seeking to learn more, and asking questions to better understand instead of making assumptions.

Is it awful when a partner doesn’t show up emotionally, when they pull away or disappear or sink into themselves when we need them most? YES. It’s excruciatingly painful. Especially when we have experienced emotional neglect or a lack of curiosity from others around our inner world, we are deeply sensitive to our most important people not wanting to know us in this way. If you are a person who was told not to cry or sent to your room when you did, a partner who shuts down or pulls away the moment you have an emotional response is going to activate your nervous system to recall those times when you weren’t met when you were young. Does that mean your partner is emotionally abusing you in that moment? I don’t believe so. If they are doing this consistently and our efforts in bringing them in are not effective, we have every right to say that this relationship is not in alignment for us and excuse ourselves from a shitty and painful dynamic.

There is a clear difference between being a child and requiring emotional presence, warmth, and responsiveness for a developing brain that is truly completely dependent upon the adults in their life to meet their needs, and being an adult human in a relationship with someone who isn’t meeting you where you are.

Every person has their own unique experience of relationships. A partner who shuts down, pulls away, becomes activated themselves, is deeply self-reliant, doesn’t have language for emotions or emotional experiences, has challenges staying present for big feelings or expressions, becomes confused or disoriented, or literally just walks away is almost always experiencing their own relationship triggers. We are wired to want to connect with others, and if what is happening in the dynamic is overwhelming our nervous system, it’s likely because our wiring has been shifted along the way to not have the capacity to carry what’s happening in the moment. AND we are still responsible for growing our awareness of our behaviors, getting the support we need, and actively making changes. Healing gets to be all of this rather than taking a black-and-white, either/or approach.

There are also behaviors that are more “questionable” (and when I say questionable, what I really mean is that they are red flags that should be explored and addressed as quickly as possible because they are not healthy, appropriate, or kind, but unfortunately they are more common in relationships than we would like to believe), including yelling, name-calling, shaming, belittling, and generally having contempt for a partner. These are important to notice and be curious about. Does a partner actively work on addressing these behaviors? Do they take accountability to engage differently? Do they make an effort to understand where these behaviors stem from and actively seek to change them? Are you seeing changes over time? The word “active” is critical here—because if a partner isn’t working hard (in therapy or otherwise) to move through their emotional activation and accompanying behaviors, as a therapist I would suggest that we *are* indeed entering into the realm of abuse. However, these behaviors are not NEGLECTFUL—they are actively harmful.

If you are reading this and feeling activated or frustrated, I encourage you to notice what’s arising for you. This is an important practice for all of us: to understand how our desire to name or label something can actually get in the way of us understanding our own experiences. What does it mean if you actually have more power than you give yourself credit for you in your partnership? What part(s) of you are familiar with giving up your power and accepting behaviors that are not working for you? What part(s) of you are willing to allow someone else to be in charge of whether your emotional needs are met? What part(s) of you might step in and say “no, this doesn’t feel good for me and I want more than I’m receiving now?” What might you need in the realm of support to move away from a relationship that isn’t working for you?

I’m so curious about your perspectives on this and looking forward to hearing how we might approach this conversation with even more nuance. Do you see a clear difference between childhood neglect and being an adult in a relationship with someone who is emotionally less responsive? How have you navigated these situations? Are you able to both hold compassion for your partner AND set appropriate boundaries to make sure your needs are met?

Thank you so much for reading,

Elizabeth