First, I want to name how important it is to recognize how triggering it can feel to be part of an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. This is one of the most common relationship pairings, and as an attachment specialist and couples therapist, I have seen this one time and again. It’s painful for both partners and connects us back to the most wounded versions of ourselves.
Read MoreMy oldest son (who is almost 6 now, for those of you who have been with me a long time!) had a Halloween parade at school. Naturally, he dressed as Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles (and the rest of us were his turtle entourage on Halloween night). The night before the parade, he asked me, “Mom, what if someone else is dressed as a ninja turtle in the parade? Will you know it’s me?”
Read MoreIn my teary reflections this week, their transition has been making me wonder: what am I doing here? What is my legacy? How do I want to show up and how can I love my life and this world even more? What is truly meaningful to me, and am I living in alignment with those values? What distracts me from what matters? What do I want to share and how do I want to offer the kind of healing that changes lives and hearts and creates safety and connection? I believe Andrea would say (more eloquently than I can) that each of us can do this in our own unique way, and that every offering is meaningful and powerful and needed.
Read MoreFolks with insecure attachment styles have a skill in common that serves them in many capacities. It’s one that can show up in every type of relationship and tricks us into feeling like we are safe—by blending in, by being passive, by not drawing too much attention to ourselves. And it’s a behavior pattern that comes back to bite us SO HARD that once we stop doing it, life can change pretty dramatically and it can take some time to get ourselves back on track and feeling connected again.
Read MoreIn therapy and coaching sessions that are focused on healing attachment wounds, we talk a lot about past relationships and the attachment patterns that show up consistently for my clients so we can better understand their relational needs and learn how to meet them in adulthood. A pattern I see often (and have experienced myself of course) is ruminating about or idealizing exes, and/or having intense crushes while being in a monogamous relationship. I have lots of thoughts about this from years of utilizing attachment theory, so let’s dive in :)
Read More“Do you even like them?”
I wish someone would have asked me this question for at least 3 (if not more) dating relationships while I was in college. Maybe someone did and I totally ignored them or insisted “yes, of course!”
Since the start of the year, I have been really leaning into exploring the parts of my personality that I would rather not look at—the parts I’m shameful or embarrassed about, and the ones that I try to hide or keep at bay but always, always show up at some point in my relationships.
Read MoreI remember so many times in my early romantic relationships (and honestly, some adult friendships) when I truly did ignore all the warnings, some of them as blatant as “I do not want to be in a relationship right now.”
Read MoreI want to talk about anxious attachment behaviors, impulses, and tendencies. I remember viscerally how it feels to be in relationship with someone who leans toward the avoidant end of the relational spectrum as a person who has the anxious style—and I would describe it as torturous at times, to be completely honest.
Read MoreYou may have heard that Western North Carolina was hit by Hurricane Helene, hundreds of miles from any coast, and the outcomes have been beyond devastating. To say the damage to the place we live is catastrophic doesn't even seem to scratch the surface of what our community is experiencing.
Read MoreIn this eclipse time, where the things we don’t need are falling away left and right, I want to offer some permission slips for you:
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