Managing Anxious Attachment Behaviors and Impulses

Hi! I'm so glad to be back with you today.

I want to talk about anxious attachment behaviors, impulses, and tendencies. I remember viscerally how it feels to be in relationship with someone who leans toward the avoidant end of the relational spectrum as a person who has the anxious style—and I would describe it as torturous, to be completely honest. I felt like I had anxious energy flying every direction in my body, I couldn’t eat, and my thoughts were solely focused on what was happening with my partner. What were they doing? Were we okay? When could I see them next? Were they thinking of me? Were they mad at me? Were they committed to me? Did they like someone else? Was there something they weren’t telling me?

It was absolutely exhausting and it got in the way of other relationships in my life. At that time, my anxious attachment stress interfered with me being able to connect with other important people because my brain would not stop fixating on my partner (potential or otherwise). I used to look back on that time with shame, but I have so much more understanding now. I just wanted a partner to love me, to choose me, and to show it consistently so that I would believe it (I have a blog post where I reflect on this time in my life, if you’re interested).

I do wish I had an understanding then of how I could change things. Something I recognize now is that the more self-possessed we are, the more aware of ourselves we become, and the more we can trust ourselves to meet our needs, the less we feel inclined to depend on outside forces to fill the space inside. I see the ways in which I gave my power away and hoped for someone to save me so I didn’t have to do the work of learning to love myself and believe that I was inherently lovable, without having to prove it or ask for someone else to prove it to me. I wanted to change everything but me because I thought my ability to control and manage extended outside of myself. The journey to recognizing how untrue that is has been a long one, and I now know how much of this healing work is an inside job.

When I think about the anxious-avoidant dynamic that occurs in so many relationships, I can’t help but consider the strategies used to try to get our deepest needs met. For folks with the anxious style, it often looks like reaching out. Reaching out for reassurance, for feedback, for confirmation or affirmation. Checking in, just saying hi, offering something or wanting to help. I want to be clear that there is nothing wrong with those behaviors or needs on their own—but the combination of them, especially when there is an emotional trigger that fuels them, is typically a lot for a partner who has an avoidant style. And for people with the avoidant style, this level of contact can feel like death by a thousand cuts. In response, they shut down the connection, and the pain and distress that result begin a new wave of reaching out for connection to reassure us that we aren’t alone or abandoned or unlovable.

We all get to ask for our needs to be met in relationships, regardless of our attachment styles AND our needs don’t get to matter more than our partner’s needs. I know that doesn’t feel good to hear, and you don’t have to believe me—but in my years of couples work, I can tell you that if you believe your needs are more important or more valid than your partner’s, that relationship is not going to have the outcome you want it to have. If you believe your partner needs to get over their need for space or quiet, or they need to figure out how to meet all of your needs for connection in the time frame you’ve set for them, it’s not going to work. You both get to have boundaries and your boundary may be that you don’t feel like this relationship will work unless your partner changes drastically. Their boundary may be that they aren’t ready to open up to the level of connection you are requesting from them, for reasons you consider valid or not. There are so many ways to meet each other in the middle, but that means that we hold one another’s needs equally. This requires staying in your integrity and noticing when you revert to old relational patterning that convinces you that because you are feeling your needs so intensely in your body, they must be the most important needs. These beliefs are rooted in early survival, but they are no longer current. It's our responsibility to ourselves to update our outdated beliefs and relationship patterns so we can experience more connection and love in our lives.

One way to gain awareness about moving outside of your integrity when you have the anxious attachment style is to notice when you are self-abandoning. The ways you do this might be subtle. Keeping your phone volume on and in eye or ear shot while you are doing something else that’s important to you, to see if they text you; avoiding making plans in hopes they will reach out to you; structuring your time very differently than you would otherwise to accommodate their schedule or availability; pushing your feelings away because they appear inconvenient; or hiding parts of yourself in fear they will not be lovable to this particular person. As with everything we discuss here about relationships, there are nuances, but I want you to recognize the common denominator here: the choices you make because of the reaction anticipated. When you have the anxious style, you are very good about predicting the future, weaving narratives, and projecting far out in time to determine an outcome. You have a brilliant imagination and are likely highly creative, and it makes predicting the future that much more terrifying. I don't mean that we should be inflexible in relationships, or not work to accomodate one another. But if you feel into your choices and are honest with yourself, I think you will know if you are leaving yourself in order to try to maintain connection in a relationship.

When you pay attention to the ways in which you self-abandon, you can begin to practice coming home to yourself. It’s a muscle to be worked and it’s difficult. But with each change you make in staying with yourself, you are creating a new pathway in your brain and reinforcing the belief that you are worth staying with. You can tend to your needs in the ways that feel right for you. You can honor yourself and spend as much as time as is necessary to move through your feelings and experiences. You can hold yourself. This work will also allow you to have more discernment in relationships because you will be able to tell if someone isn’t a good fit for you. If they don’t appreciate you or enjoy being in relationship with you, you don’t have to stay. It’s easier said than done when relationships are complex or there are other people involved (or there is domestic violence or abuse happening, which I’m not referring to here)—but there is choice when you are an adult. The choice might be hard or really suck or be extremely inconvenient or maybe even upend your life completely. But you aren’t stuck in a relationship. You get to shift, change, move, and grow. Please don’t forget that.

This work can feel difficult but it’s so worth it. I’m here to support you in any way that feels helpful. I have space for new coaching clients and therapy clients (and I now accept Aetna insurance for therapy in North Carolina!) and I would love to see if we are a good fit to work together. Please reach out if you’d like to set up a call to get your questions answered.

I am sending you the most love.

Warmly,

Elizabeth

P.S. I read this poem and wanted to share it with you:

The Question

All day, I replay these words:
Is this the path of love?
I think of them as I rise, as
I wake my children, as I wash dishes,
as I drive too close behind the slow
blue Subaru, Is this the path of love?
Think of these words as I stand in line
at the grocery store,
think of them as I sit on the couch
with my daughter. Amazing how
quickly six words become compass,
the new lens through which to see myself
in the world. I notice what the question is not.
Not, “Is this right?” Not,
“Is this wrong?” It just longs to know
how the action of existence
links us to the path to love.
And is it this? Is it this? All day,
I let myself be led by the question.
All day I let myself not be too certain
of the answer. Is it this?
Is this the path of love? I ask
as I wait for the next word to come.
—Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer