I Keep Trying to Get Impossible People to Love Me

Hello!

I hope you're taking good care. I have some sweet ideas percolating over here, but I'm taking my time and allowing them to bubble up when they are ready. I'm looking forward to sharing my work in refreshed ways with you this spring! In the meantime, I'm staying committed to bi-monthly blogging and have a new one for you today.

I have fond memories of listening to Matt Nathanson in college. I’m pretty sure I discovered him because someone made me a mix CD (don’t you miss those days?). Anyway, I saw that he released a new album and one of the song titles caught my eye. I wasn’t surprised once I listened to the lyrics:

“I learned to ignore all the warnings
Until eggshells felt like hardwood flooring
And when the power goes out
I sit in the dark and I wait

I guess I still think that's what love is
A card game where everyone's bluffing
I'd lose the shirt off my back
Every cent that I have
And you still can't drag me away

I keep trying to get impossible people to love me
I know how it ends but I keep writing the same old story
There's good in everyone, I guess
I lose myself in search of it
I keep trying to get impossible people to love me.”

Welp.

Is this not a ballad of anxious attachment? I remember so many times in my early romantic relationships (and honestly, some adult friendships) when I truly did ignore all the warnings, some of them as blatant as “I do not want to be in a relationship right now.” One of the things I’ve realized in working so deeply with attachment styles is that there can be a sense of importance, entitlement, or exceptionalism that comes along with the anxious style--a feeling of specialness or uniqueness that requires a particular type of attention from a partner. I will preface this by saying that I am naming this for myself and also from years of experience working with this style. And if you’re new here, please know that I say it all with love, because my compassion is central to my practice. I believe the entitlement aspect comes from feeling disregarded at some point in life—whether in childhood or in early romantic relationships, or any other time when you really wanted to be loved for who you were and you didn’t receive that—and there is some “part” that is working hard to attempt to centralize the anxious attacher’s feelings, desires, and wants. Not feeling seen is painful. In adulthood, I have seen this look like demands for attention or specific reactions or emotional expressions from another person, and therefore sets up a dynamic where the anxious attacher is regularly unsatisfied in the partnership. I can speak for myself here: when someone says they don’t want a relationship and I practically insist that YES, you DO actually want a relationship and maybe not with someone else but DEFINITELY with me because I’m special/different/exceptional (insert your favorite word of importance or uniqueness here), there absolutely is a sense of entitlement—and it’s up to us to explore this and understand it so we can do it differently in future relationships. “I want this relationship and even though you don't, I insist because I'm going to get what I want/I think it's better for you/I know better than you what works for you.” Yikes.

When we are prioritizing “connection” over compatibility, we will ignore the red flags and find ourselves in relationships that are not a good fit for us. The perceived presence or proclamation of a “relationship” doesn’t make it so. There is much more required to sustain a relationship that values presence, shared interests, and true reciprocity. Being in a relationship that isn’t a good fit reminds me of trying to charge one our electronic devices with the wrong charger. It may fit to some degree, but it’s going to take a lot longer to charge or may even ruin the device (I realize this isn’t a perfect analogy but follow along with me please :)). If you have to convince someone to acknowledge that you have needs, it’s going to be a long road toward true connection--but this can happen regardless of your attachment style. I have seen folks with the anxious style have just as difficult a time honoring the needs of their avoidant or disorganized partner as avoidant people do. Just like people with the avoidant style, people with the anxious style can show up in ways that are detrimental to the relationship—as in my “entitled” example above. Coercing someone into a relationship and blatantly ignoring what they are saying, even if they ultimately agree to the relationship, is NOT the way to show up in a partnership. It’s up to us to take responsibility for our actions and do it better.
I know the root of this entitlement is a deep insecurity. We might wonder, if I don’t advocate for myself, who will? If I don’t put my needs front and center, who will even ask about them? If I don’t insist on being remembered, will I be forgotten? The lack of balance in an early relationship dynamic can disrupt our ability to hold our emotional needs and also hold those of another simultaneously. Even if we are secure in most of our relationships, we won’t do this perfectly. However, if we are oriented toward anxious or avoidant attachment (or a combination, resulting in disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment), it’s much more likely that we will prioritize either our own or the other person’s needs consistently. The goal is some sort of balance.

I was considering recently the emotional roller coaster I put my partner on when we started dating almost 14 years ago (I'm so sorry for this now, but I know I needed to move through it to see the true impact of my actions on others). He was just trying to exist and I was creating so many obstacles to peace in our relationship. I was used to people lying to me, saying they were interested in being in a relationship but then seeing other people or a multitude of other things (probably because they literally said they didn’t want a relationship so the likelihood of these types of behaviors was much higher). I was so worried there was some other story happening that I was missing. I was so worried I was being duped. He was telling me he wanted to date me but I couldn’t believe him. I tried to make it not so. I did everything I could to cause chaos until I exhausted myself. Then I learned about attachment theory and did the real work to heal the parts of myself that had been so hurt in my previous relationships.

Tending to this insecurity is our work to do. The presence of a loving partner certainly helps, one who slows down enough to recognize our discomfort and is also willing to lovingly call us on our bullshit and see through our actions and behaviors to the vulnerability lying underneath. But we also need to take care of ourselves in real ways: gain awareness of our patterning, practice parts work to reparent ourselves and calm those rogue parts that want to be in control and protect us if needed, and interrupt our impulses to reach out to people who can’t give us what we want and need in partnerships.

And as always, if your relationships are feeling impossible, I’m here to support you. I coach people who are ready to do deep relational work (regardless of whether they are currently in a partnership), and I also offer therapy in North Carolina. I love doing this work with you and I can’t wait to watch you shift your patterns and have more fulfilling relational experiences.

I’m sending you so much love,

Elizabeth