Self-Sacrifice Isn’t Honorable When You’re Resentful

Hello there! Happy almost spring to you! We have a dusting of snow here in Asheville this morning, but I know spring is coming because the crocuses and daffodils are shining their beautiful faces already. My younger son will be 2 on the first day of spring, and I really love that I always have that day to look forward to and mark the new season.

Since the start of the year, I have been really leaning into exploring the parts of my personality that I would rather not look at—the parts I’m shameful or embarrassed about, and the ones that I try to hide or keep at bay but always, always show up at some point in my relationships. For starters, I am not an organized person. Most days, you can find me searching for something in my home that should be filed away or sitting on a particular shelf, but isn’t. I have a lot of shame about my dental health and the ways I didn’t do a good job of taking care of my teeth as a teenager, which sounds silly but if you do too, you know what I’m talking about. I just found out I have to have a root canal and I’m super bummed and embarrassed about it, even though logically I know it’s a very normal and common procedure. I want to have control over things that aren’t mine to control because it makes me feel slightly better about the world that feels like it’s crumbling around us. But the thing that comes up most often and feels most loaded? The resentment I can feel sometimes.

I see it most often in my partnership because it’s the safest place for me to express whatever shadowy, lurking emotional gunk is under the surface. It is not cute. We are in a phase where we have SO MUCH to do ALL THE TIME because that’s life with two young children. I will start doing something that I’m annoyed my partner didn’t do yet (for good reason on his part) and I catch myself weaving a narrative that is absolutely ridiculous. If I said it out loud to a friend, they would probably just stare at me and ask me if we were talking about the same person. Where do those stories come from? And why are they so deeply ingrained?

I talk to many clients about resentment and how detrimental it is to us individually but also to our relationships. If I bring my feelings up to my partner in a non-accusatory way (“I’m noticing I’m telling myself this story about how we divide housework/what you commit to doing and what is actually done”), that would be productive. But if I’m seething while I’m organizing the pantry or taking out the compost, all it does is erode my relationship with my partner and my confidence that I am in a relationship that is healthy, safe, and balanced.

This gets amplified when I feel like I am sacrificing something—if I was planning to have a few moments of peace and now I’m scrubbing the bathtub, I am truly pissed. I think this connects deeply to my anxious attachment adaptation, where I just assume that the person I’m with doesn’t see my needs (and doesn’t care, obviously), and I am always going to be struggling or feeling alone or taking on more than my share in the relationship. And then I end up in Martyr Land, which is a sad and frustrating place to be. Much of this was wired in my early romantic partnerships because as I shared in my last newsletter, I often chose people who were not available or not interested in relationships, so this dynamic played out regularly and reinforced some of those core beliefs.

When I work with clients around the issue of resentment in relationships, we often shift gears into understanding and practicing boundaries and moving out of unhealthy codependency. In the example above, I am enforcing my own limit on how quickly I think my partner should do something around the house. I probably don’t share the timeline on when I would like it done, but mentally, I’m setting a timer. If it doesn’t get done, then I do it myself, resentfully. I’m so busy worrying about whether he is going to get it done but I’m not practicing awareness of sharing my own needs directly or clearly. I’m just trying to control him. When I do this, I’m overstepping and certainly not communicating clearly (although my actions communicate anger and resentment for sure). And then there is very little room for my partner to have an appropriate response that doesn’t create tension between us, and I know deep down that I do that on purpose because then it forces the issue to come up between us to address it. It’s not a good pattern and it’s one that I’m working hard to do differently. Luckily, I have a partner who can call me on my BS so that I can’t stay in that place too long. I appreciate that so much, because even as I share this very vulnerable example with you, the shame is right there under the surface. I think we need to be able to be honest about the insidious ways our relationship patterns can impact our lives, and how scary it can be to share them and relate to other people about them.

Ultimately, self-sacrifice isn’t honorable when you’re resentful. If you want to do something from the kindness of your heart, because you feel motivated and excited and interested to do it or because you just know it needs to be done because that’s life, then I invite you to do it and feel good about it. If you’re resentful as hell and you have an angry face the whole time and everyone around you knows how annoyed you are, I invite you to stop it, check yourself, take a moment to breathe, and then address it directly. It might be clunky at first, but being honest about your needs instead of sacrificing them could really support your relationship and your own mental health.

I’m sending us all so much love as we continue to dig more deeply into our patterns and show up with more integrity. Thank you as always for reading. And if you’re interested in a Virtual Coffee to address some of the things that are arising for you, please respond to this email!

Warmly,

Elizabeth