Navigating Big Life Changes and What’s Next

I hope you’re enjoying early springtime. Here in the mountains of Western North Carolina, so much is already blooming and I’m soaking it all in on my short walks (waddles?) with my dog. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and even though our initial plans were to have a non-surgical birth this time around, it looks like we are headed that direction after all. This sweet baby is happy to sit head-up in their cozy uterus hammock and just like with my first, seems to be asking us to come get them. So my mantra lately has been “okay love, I hear you. Stay put. We are coming for you. We will be there so soon.”

Elizabeth GilletteMarch 7, 2023anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant trap, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern Comments

It’s PAY WHAT YOU PLEASE time! (and an announcement!)

Has anyone else been feeling ALL the things lately? In most every session I have with folks, we are reflecting on the general “weirdness” of the collective right now. We have been holding so much for a long time, and it’s just been…hard. If you’re feeling it, I want to remind you that you aren’t alone and just like everything else, I think these strange times are a phase that will certainly shift. Practicing sitting with the discomfort of the moment is helpful (for now and always), taking the very best care of yourself that you can, and reaching out to and staying connected with the people who can see you, hold you, and love you when things become difficult are all good places to put your energy. We are going to get through it!

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 15, 2022anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant, avoidant attachment style, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, anxious attachment style, attachment style, attachment theory, attachment coach, avoidant partner, avoidant Comment

Can you hold two things at once?

The Pay What You Please Online Course Sale is happening NOW through Sunday, April 24!

What you don’t heal follows you

I hope you are doing well and February is feeling more ease-full than January (I’m not sure what your January was like, but mine was LONG).

Like many of us, I’ve been hard at work in my own personal therapy on processing some of the difficult experiences I’ve gone through and growing my awareness of the old patterns I carry with me, many of which I don’t even realize are still hanging around. And just like my clients, I have had several moments where I’ve said out loud “I honestly thought I worked through that already! Why is it coming up for me again?” My answer to myself recently has been this: healing has many layers.

Elizabeth GilletteFebruary 8, 2022avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, attachment style, attachment theory, avoidant attachment, attachment, disorganized attachment, avoidant dismissive Comments

What I Wish I Knew About Attachment 20 Years Ago

I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 15, 2021attachment styles, attachment style, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, avoidant attachment, avoidant partner, anxious partner, anxious avoidant trap, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure Attachment Comment

How to Give Your Partner Space

A common question in relationships is “how much space should I give my partner?” It’s tricky to navigate this at times, especially if you are in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic. Your partner indicates they want space, but you want to know *exactly* what that means. This desire is completely understandable—we know that for folks with the anxious attachment adaptation, that space can feel excruciating at times. And of course, you want to do it well and be respectful of your partner’s needs.

Elizabeth GilletteNovember 2, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, anxious attachment, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

Everything You Wanted to Know about Your Avoidant Partner

I am so excited to share this post with you today. I have had the opportunity to connect with the creator of the Loving Avoidant Instagram page who has generously and vulnerably shared their experiences with the avoidant attachment adaptation. As you know, I believe this style is deeply misunderstood and has a negative reputation in the attachment world. There is so much healing we can all do by learning more about how people experience this style, what it’s like for them in relationships, and how we can all become more loving, safe, and accepting human beings.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 18, 2021avoidant attachment triggers, anxious attachment, attachment styles, anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, avoidant partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant, avoidant dismissive, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, making anxious avoidant relationship work, avoidant attachment style, signs an avoidant loves you Comments

Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Elizabeth GilletteOctober 5, 2021anxious avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant, anxious attachment, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, anxious-avoidant trap, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment triggers, signs an avoidant loves you, how to make anxious avoidant relationship work Comments

Why Consistency Matters

If you’ve been around Heirloom for a while, you already know this but I think it’s important to share again: connected relationships require the presence of intentional behaviors just as much as the absence of unhealthy patterns.

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 30, 2021anxious attachment, attachment styles, attachment theory, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment style, secure attachment style, secure attachment, Cultivating Secure Attachment Comment

Online Course Sale, Updates, and TEND!

I have some updates for you this week!

Elizabeth GilletteJuly 19, 2021online courses, online course, avoidant partner, avoidant attachment style, avoidant, anxious, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious avoidant dynamic, sec, secure attachment style, secure attachment relationship, di Comment

How I Use Attachment Theory

This post feels important to me. I hope it lands for you, too—and as usual, I am open to your feedback and thoughts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for reading.

As a white woman creating material to support folks who are interested in healing their early attachment wounds and creating healthy adult relationships, I want to emphasize that I am not the end-all-be-all when it comes to this work. I approach attachment theory in a very specific way (one that I hope brings a lens of compassion and justice through relational health and fulfillment) and there are many other approaches that are just as valid and important.

Elizabeth GilletteJune 28, 2021attachment theory, attachment style, social justice, equity, anxious-avoidant, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, secure attachment, secure attachment relationship, secure attachment style, Cultivating Secure Attachment Comment

Attachment Work is Worth It

My partner and I were recently discussing our time in couples therapy a few years ago. I’m not sure how we stumbled on the subject, but it was sweet to recall where we were at that time in our relationship and all the progress we’ve made and the growth we’ve experienced since that time. I’m going to be honest—we were struggling. We had gotten married just a few months earlier and all of a sudden it felt like (pardon my language) shit got real. We knew that if we continued engaging in the pattern of having a big argument, feeling resentful and frustrated with no solution, moving on and trying to ignore the problem, then starting all over again, our relationship would be so damaged we might not be able to come back from it.

Elizabeth GilletteMay 10, 2021attachment styles, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, anxious attachment, anxious partner, anxious avoidant dynamic, avoidant partner, avoidant dismissive, avoidant, anxious-avoidant relationship pattern, avoidant attachment Comment

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