Why Consistency Matters
Hello!
If you’ve been around Heirloom for a while, you already know this but I think it’s important to share again: connected relationships require the presence of intentional behaviors just as much as the absence of unhealthy patterns.
Consistency in relationships is critical for forming solid, secure attachment. Considering the formation of early attachment relationships helps us see this more clearly: in early childhood, we quickly develop a sense of whether our primary caregivers are able to show up consistently for us. That doesn’t mean *every single time* we want something, our caregivers provide it for us—but it does mean that when we have a real need, they see it, and they generally understand us and know what is important to us. They pay attention to us and have a genuine curiosity about us. They respond in ways that are predictable and safe. When this happens consistently over time, secure attachment is formed.
However, if a primary caregiver is inconsistent or unpredictable, our child brains have a more difficult time orienting to our environment. When we feel like we can’t get our footing in our most important relationships, it’s much more difficult to feel safe and secure. This is when we start to try to compensate for our caregiver or work harder for attention (anxious attachment), retreat emotionally to protect ourselves (avoidant attachment), or feel confused, torn and overwhelmed by the relationship (disorganized attachment).
As a result of these patterns forming in childhood, our adult relationships can also be impacted by inconsistencies. A partner or close friend or family member who is unpredictable can trigger a significant amount of stress for us. When the person we are in relationship with is unpredictable, we are unable to adapt to our environment (which is what we are good at as human beings!) and our nervous systems are never able to fully relax with that person, leaving us in a constant state of emotional distress and hyper-vigilance.
All of this being said, our attachment systems are fluid and flexible and that means that we are still developing attachment connections in adulthood! Depending on the style we developed in childhood, we may feel drawn to that inconsistency or we may find ourselves drifting away from the person in search of a different kind of relationship. Inconsistency in relationships can also land us a seat on the emotional rollercoaster, which is no fun in the end.
But what about long-term relationships? Everything can’t be the same all the time—in fact, if we are striving for a healthy and secure partnership, change is really important. It’s extremely normal to see shifts in partnerships over time and this is where communication is critical. If you’re needing space and you pull away from your partner without sharing your experience, it’s probably going to make them anxious. If you’re feeling concerned about your relationship so you keep asking your partner if they’re okay, it’s going to probably feel frustrating to them. Instead, being clear about the “why” behind your behavior can clear up any concerns right away and provide an opportunity to have a conversation that will ultimately benefit your partnership.
So let’s talk strategies!
If you find yourself drawn to inconsistency in relationships:
Practice believing that you are deserving of consistency in a relationship. If we grew up with lots of unpredictability, we may believe that we aren’t worth responding to, getting back to in a timely manner, etc. We may seek out relationships that are similar to those we grew up with because we understand that framework and know how to operate within it.
Recognize that consistency may feel uncomfortable. You may feel overwhelmed by someone who prioritizes you and gets back to you regularly. You may anticipate them canceling plans or ghosting you and when they don’t, they may even feel “creepy”. This is a wonderful opportunity to take in this consistency slowly, a little bit at a time, and know that consistency is a hallmark of secure attachment. Your discomfort may mean that you’re on the right track!
If your partner is highly inconsistent, check in with yourself—how does it feel for you? Are you really okay with not knowing when they might show up for you, what their mood will be like, or if they will be kind to you? Is your relationship feeling the way you would like it too? You deserve to have what you want in a relationship, and if this one isn’t meeting your needs, it’s very reasonable to want to shift it (and maybe choose a different one if you are unable to have your needs met in this basic way in your current partnership).
If you’re wanting to become more consistent:
Be mindful of what comes up for you throughout the day in your relationships. Do you find yourself avoiding? What happens for you as you consider reaching out to someone you care about? Do you notice fear or anxiety? Instead of pushing through and continuing to avoid those emotions, practice being with them and getting to know them.
Notice what you promise to your partner, friends, and family. Do you follow through on what you say? If you can’t follow through, why are you promising to do so? Consistency requires a strong sense of integrity. Pause before you say yes to requests. Tell them you will think about it before you respond. If you aren’t able to do it, then just don’t say you’ll do it. Your relationships will be better for it, I promise (and check in on that people-pleasing! I find that people-pleasing behaviors are a HUGE source of inconsistency in relationships—we want to please so we commit, but then later we realize that we don’t have the capacity for what we committed to. (Oops!) Learn about your boundaries in relationships and practice honoring them.
Pause throughout your day and remember your priorities. In our culture of busy-ness and over-commitment, it’s so easy to accidentally shuffle our priorities and forget what is important to us. Reminding yourself regularly of what really matters to you can help you stay consistent in the areas of your life that are truly meaningful and ultimately bring you more joy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about consistency and inconsistency in relationships! Feel free to email me or leave me a comment on the blog.
Thank you for reading!
Warmly,
Elizabeth