How do I move on from my relationship?

Hello!

I hope you are taking good care of yourself and you are feeling supported in your community.

I am taking the opportunity this week to answer a few questions that folks submitted to me via Instagram. I love being able to respond to your inquiries and provide some perspective from an attachment lens about your experiences. Thank you for your vulnerability and trust!

Over the last several years, I have had a partner who was at times fearfully avoidant when triggered but baseline dismissive at others. I was wondering now that my relationship has ended, would you be able write something about letting that person go? It’s very difficult to move forward when you understand why things fell apart and how it could have been healed, but you are instead having to accept that this is where they are at and let go because it’s gotten too painful. How does one say goodbye when there is still love and empathy?

First, I want to send you a huge hug as you settle into the changes in your relationship and your life in general. It’s so incredibly difficult to be in a place where we know a relationship must end (even if it’s not what we want) and take steps forward that feel supportive and in our best interest.

I think it’s especially challenging when the relationship was so up and down, given what you’ve described. Our unhealed attachment wounds can wreak havoc on our ability to connect with a partner in a way that feels safe and I have the sense that your partner probably had a lot of emotional triggers coming up on a consistent basis that created this dynamic in your partnership. The fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment style deserves a lot of compassion. It also sounds like you have empathy for them and their experiences, and lots of understanding for where they were coming from. I love this and I think it’s so important, so thank you for being the person that you are.

What have you learned from this partnership? About yourself, about relationships, about your needs, about the type of connection you want? Given your experience, I imagine there is a lot of information you have now that you didn’t have before this partnership. This wisdom can inform your next steps, especially with your personal healing work and how you want to approach relationships moving forward.

Also, your nervous system deserves some healing right now, too. We learn to adapt to any relationship or context we are in, and sometimes it takes a while before we are able to fully settle into safety and truly rest. Given your previous partner’s attachment style, your relational dynamic, and the experiences you have had in your relationship, I would venture to say that your nervous system is probably in need of some regulation. Focusing on ways you can care for yourself that also allow you to down-regulate could feel supportive to you now.

Love and empathy are so important for healthy relationships AND they are only part of the equation. The love and empathy you have for your previous partner are so wonderful and beautiful and I wonder what it would be like if you cultivated some love and empathy for yourself. That may be the healing work at this moment, and my guess is that it will create many future opportunities for connection and support that you so deserve.

How do I get my partner to understand that my avoidant attachment style is about my issues and not about them?

I’m so glad you asked this question! I have talked with many folks with the avoidant attachment adaptation who express frustration around this—they don’t want their partners to believe that their behaviors are about the partner, but rather about their past experiences and their sense of safety (or lack thereof) in relationships in general.

For people with the avoidant adaptation, relationships can feel extremely vulnerable. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in a relationship though! The tricky part here is for partners to meet one another where they are. If your partner has an understanding of what it means to have the avoidant attachment style, they might be more open and understanding as well as be willing to move forward slowly (which I recommend for all relationships anyway!).

Have you initiated a conversation about attachment theory with your partner? Do you both have an understanding of your attachment styles and how they show up in your relationship? The more you can create a regular dialogue about these aspects of your relationship, they more they will become “normal” to explore together. Just having the language can be helpful, and from there, creating a plan to handle moments of disconnection. I have written on this topic in different ways, so I am going to link some relevant blog posts as well as some resources I have. Additionally, in the Understanding Avoidant Attachment Online Course, I’ve created an entire section devoted to supporting partners who are in relationship with someone with the avoidant attachment adaptation to increase knowledge and understanding (and therefore deeper empathy in the relationship) about the ways this style shows up in relationships.

I’m sure you already know this, but people who have the avoidant attachment style come by it honestly. No one chooses their attachment style. I really appreciate that you are open to working with your partner on creating more effective communication and letting them know that they are not “the problem”—and that each of your individual experiences are brought to the relationship to be processed and work through together.

We all have work to do in our relationships and communities, and for folks who have a foundational understanding of attachment theory, I want to remind you that my new online course launches next month! It’s called TEND: A Secure Attachment Deep Dive, and it’s an opportunity to continue your healing work if you’re interested. You can hop on the First to Know list for an exclusive launch discount and to hear about it the day it drops!

I hope this has been helpful and as always, I appreciate you more than I could say.

Warmly,

Elizabeth

How to Know If Your Avoidant Partner Wants to Work on Your Relationship

If You Are In a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner

If You Are In a Relationship with an Avoidant Partner, Part 2

Why You Shouldn’t Avoid Avoidants (this is a bit controversial)