What you don’t heal follows you
Hi there!
I hope you are doing well and February is feeling more ease-full than January (I’m not sure what your January was like, but mine was LONG).
Like many of us, I’ve been hard at work in my own personal therapy on processing some of the difficult experiences I’ve gone through and growing my awareness of the old patterns I carry with me, many of which I don’t even realize are still hanging around. And just like my clients, I have had several moments where I’ve said out loud “I honestly thought I worked through that already! Why is it coming up for me again?” My answer to myself recently has been this: healing has many layers.
When I feel these patterns in my body, especially related to fear, anxiety, stress, or overwhelm, I understand that I can *think* about them all day long (which I do sometimes, depending on the stressor that’s present) and I will not be able to resolve them that way. Our challenging life experiences lodge themselves in our nervous systems, sending messages throughout our time here that we need to watch out, stay safe, pay attention, don’t let our guards down, don’t relax, don’t trust, and any other messaging that has helped to keep us safe at one point or another. These messages have served us in many ways, especially in making sure that we survive to see another day. Even if those messages have interfered with building relationships, maintaining connection, or moving to the next phase of a partnership, they have kept us alive, which means that they did their jobs.
Our healthy attachment systems come second to our survival systems. That is how our brains are wired. What I have learned in this work is that each time we begin a new relationship or an old one shifts or changes, our dated patterns can be called up for review, especially as we orient ourselves to our fresh circumstances. Even if we have done the work of bringing awareness to our relational patterns, understanding the “why”, and engaging in healing modalities to support us in processing what we experienced, we can still have moments where we have an impulse to show up in a certain way or be reminded of our old behaviors. For example:
People with the anxious style may find themselves ruminating or worrying about whether a new partner will call them and if they don’t call right away, whether that person is actually interested
People with the avoidant style may find themselves checking out emotionally when things become heated in a discussion, even if they have actively practiced staying present during similar conversations
People with the disorganized style may find it is difficult to trust a new person, even if they have worked hard to feel more centered and grounded in their nervous systems
As we continue to grow awareness around the ways our old patterns can hijack us in new situations, we become more skilled at managing them and more quickly defaulting to the patterns we feel are in our integrity. But if we don’t do the difficult work of observing how our relational wounds play a role in our behaviors, they follow us from relationship to relationship, as well as to difficult life scenarios that undoubtedly arise. I often remind my clients that if they are in a relationship in which they feel safe to work through old traumas, practice setting boundaries, and say the things that need to be said in order for them to feel like they are honoring themselves, this relationship is an opportunity to do that healing. If you don’t do it now, you will need to do it later—for better or for worse.
You are the only person who can decide if you are ready to shift how you feel and show up in relationships. And ultimately, you cannot convince someone else to be ready to heal their own experiences, even if you are able to recognize that your relationship would benefit if they did so. We each heal on our own time, at our own pace, in our own way.
I want to remind you that I am here to support you, wherever you find yourself in your healing journey. I have attachment-focused online courses, support bundles (which are low-cost downloadable workbooks), lots of blog posts, and an Instagram page where I share bits and pieces about how I work with attachment theory. All of these resources are informed by my own journey with relational healing—I’m right there with you, all the way.
I hope you are taking good care of yourself! Please reach out to me if you have questions or just want to say hi!
Warmly,
Elizabeth