Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips

Hello!

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive as an attachment therapist is how to navigate the infamous anxious-avoidant relationship pattern. It’s a tricky one and I know from experience how challenging it feels to love someone so much and also feel unclear about how to approach your relationship and your partner. This dynamic can bring a lot to the surface for both partners, so I believe it’s a real opportunity to do our personal attachment work and bring that to our relationship.

Here are my top tips for the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic:

1) Know your style and own your behaviors. Accountability from each partner is key for working through this dynamic. It’s more comfortable (and maybe in alignment with our attachment style) to fixate on how your partner is behaving. This is particularly true for the anxious attachment adaptation because you are used to being attuned to how others are showing up. If you can own your tendencies, you make room for your partner to do the same. Most of us don’t want to change when our partner is critical or accusatory. I also want to say this: our work is never “done” when it comes to healing, but we want to find a place where we feel comfortable, safe, and solid. We don’t want to constantly be striving for something vastly different than what we have. Fine-tuning our partnership is just part of the journey. Knowing your style, shifting what you can, and making peace with yourself and your partner in the ways that are available to you will give you more energy to actually be present for both of you.

2) Learn about your partner’s style and the vulnerable points of their way of relating. They relate the way they do because of fear, anxiety, concerns about abandonment, etc.—NOT because they want to hurt you. Hurting you is part of how they keep themselves safe. This is not *permission* to harm other people because of our hurt, but a reminder that deep compassion is required in intimate relationships. For many reasons, we may not have learned this growing up—but it is our job as adults to bring compassion to ourselves and our partners so that we can heal our early wounding and prevent potential hurt in the future.

I understand that some folks have personality disorders, narcissistic traits, and deep deep trauma that impact their behaviors. There are also folks who are clearly abusive in their partnerships. Those are different situations and I do recommend reaching out for additional support if that is the case. I do have a blog post about considering the differences between the avoidant style and abusive traits if you are interested in some more information.

3) Ask yourself—am I willing to change, and are they? Are you okay with the answer? I’ve mentioned before that anything you do to increase your felt sense of security in your partnership will positively impact the relationship dynamic. If you want the biggest bang for your buck, a partner who is invested in shifting their patterns of relating is going to help you get there faster. It’s still possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to change—but I will be honest in that the work you do might really alter the dynamic of your partnership and the outcome isn’t always what we imagined. Leave space open for possibility as you engage in this work.

4) Seek out a clinician who is familiar with attachment patterns and this dynamic to support your relationship. If you’re feeling like you’ve done everything, therapy is definitely the way to go. In fact, I recommend it much earlier than that. Once one partner (usually the one with the anxious style) comes to a place of hopelessness, the relationship is less likely to get back on track because that person will no longer pursue their partner and put energy into the relationship like they used to. The term for this is “burned out pursuer” (from the Emotionally Focused Therapy modality) and it's a challenging place to come back from. Having a person who understands attachment dynamics to support your relationship can really change the trajectory. It's worth it.

5) Access all the resources you can. There are several books that are really helpful—I will list them below for you. Be mindful of what you consume when it comes to this dynamic—there is a lot out there about how this dynamic is impossible to work with, or this particular attachment combination is doomed from the beginning. I completely disagree and I don’t think it’s helpful to keep reading that type of material when what you really want to do is figure out how you can improve your relationship and feel more connected. It’s a big red flag to me when someone is writing about attachment and they say things like “always” or “never” or accuse a whole group of people of not having feelings or being cruel. We have a lot to learn from one another, and noticing how you feel when you read someone’s work can help you decide if that’s the type of energy you want to bring to your partnership.

I have come to recognize the challenges of the anxious-avoidant dynamic as well as the potential for healing for both partners. I do believe it’s a workable dynamic and I think it’s best approached with support and an open mind, as well as a good handle on the ways that you can show up as your best self to your relationship.

As always, I am here to support you with online courses, support bundles, and lots of free information on my blog. I am also curious about ways I can support you and your relationship, so please send me an email, leave a comment on my blog, or hop over to Instagram and let’s chat there.

Sending you love,

Elizabeth

Recommended Books:

Wired for Love
Hold Me Tight
The Power of Attachment
Conflict is Not Abuse (this one isn’t specifically about attachment but about navigating conflict in a new way)