This Attachment Statistic Blew My Mind
Hi!
I read an article recently that shared this statistic that I hadn’t heard before in my attachment theory studies:
“Further research tells us that in approximately 85 percent of cases a child…will have the same attachment pattern as the parent” (Buckwalter and Ehmen, 2013).
It makes sense that children will have a similar attachment style to their caregiver in a number of cases—but 85% of the time?! I was surprised that the percentage was so high, but I understand. We learn about relating through our primary relationships. Unless there is a different pattern in our lives, how could we know anything else? The intergenerational transmission of attachment patterns is very real, and that means that if we aren’t actively pursuing a different path, we will show up in many of our relationships with the same patterns our parents or caregivers had. Depending on your early life, this may be supportive—or daunting.
We also know that 58% of the general population has the secure attachment adaptation. If 85% percent of those folks will pass on secure attachment to the next generation, that means that close to half of us are operating from a place of insecurity in our relationships. When I realized this, my highly sensitive heart felt so much compassion and empathy for all of us collectively. That empathy gave way to hope.
There is so much we can do to feel more secure.
If you’ve followed along with my work, you know that I’m constantly learning. I would never claim to be an expert in this field because it is ever-shifting and changing and the more research we do, the more we learn. Human development, intimate relationships, transgenerational attachment patterns—there is a LOT to learn. I’m here for it.
But what I do know is this:
1) We can change our attachment patterns
2) We are worthy of feeling secure and confident in all of our relationships
3) Healing starts with us
These beliefs are threaded throughout all of my work—the therapy I do, the online courses I create, and my writing for my blog. I believe these things because I have practiced them myself and I have been witness to so many people changing their relational patterns and experiencing more connection.
I hope that if we have learned anything over the past nearly 2 years, it’s that our relationships are what make our lives worth living. When they are interrupted and we are isolated and alone, what we miss most is our connections with the people we love. Investing in ourselves and each other as critical components of our relationships is *the work*.
When you look back on your life, how do you want to remember your relationships? And more importantly, how do you want to remember *how you were* in your relationships?
It’s never too late to be more clear, more open, more loving, or more grounded in relationships. It’s not too late to heal. And it’s certainly not too late to learn how to give what you didn’t have when you were younger. We can shift intergenerational patterns and change the legacy of our families by choosing to engage in practices rooted in attachment theory.
I recently launched my newest online course, TEND: A Secure Attachment Deep Dive. It’s designed to support you in centering security in yourself and your relationships with the goal of becoming the most aligned version of you—for your family, your social circle, and your community. The early feedback I’ve received is very positive and I’m proud to share this new offering with you. If you know anyone who might benefit or is interested in this work, I would love for you to share this with them. Community is everything, and you are part of mine (thank you).
If you have any questions about the course or the work in general, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I am also interested in your questions for future blog posts and I love to hear about the different ways I might support you in your healing. I have some exciting blog posts coming up in the next few weeks and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you.
Thank you so much for being here.
Warmly,
Elizabeth