What I Wish I Knew About Attachment 20 Years Ago

Hello!

I recently returned from a short trip back to where I grew up—southeastern Michigan, the suburbs of Detroit. I don’t know about you, but when I visit the place where I spent my childhood, I have an intense emotional experience. As I walked around my undergraduate college campus, I was flooded with feelings of grief. I wish I had known and understood certain aspects of my identity when I was younger. I wish I had been more self-confident. I wish I hadn’t stayed in those terrible relationships (if you could even call them that) with people who didn’t respect or appreciate me. I wish I didn’t try to control people. I wish I didn’t try to convince people to love me. I wish I loved myself more. I wish I understood my worth and potential and was able to relax and enjoy my life instead of chasing people who didn’t recognize it either.

If I could meet up with my younger self at a coffee shop in my college town, buy her a chai, and hold space for her excitement and stress about everything coming her way (she truly had no idea), here is some of what I would share with her—if she was willing and ready to hear it:

Keep striving to understand each other, in all of your relationships. There is always more to learn. Therapy will support you in maintaining this commitment to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and we hurt each other, even the people we love the most. You will be hurt and you will hurt and this does not make you a bad person, it just makes you human. You are both important and not important at all, in the grand scheme of life. Let this liberate you and free you from what you believe you “should” do and all of the expectations that have been placed upon you. Your healing work has just begun. Prioritize it as much as possible because with every bit of healing you do, you are welcoming in something new and beautiful. Noticing your patterns in relationships will give you the most wonderful opportunity you can imagine: the chance to get clear on what hurts and how you respond to that pain, which ultimately gives way to learning how to feel better in ways that are sustainable, healthy, and full of integrity. And finally, SLOW DOWN. Most everything that feels deeply important does not need to happen immediately. Give yourself the space to tune in to your needs and boundaries before you make big decisions. This skill will serve you in every aspect of your life.

Elizabeth in 2006!

Sigh. There is grief in growth, isn’t there? The truth is that I didn’t know those things because I had not learned them yet and I can’t be mad at myself for not knowing what I didn’t know. When I sit down and really check in with my adult self, I understand that; I just hadn’t had the opportunity to figure it all out and as much as that saddens me now, it has been my path—the one that has lead me to this very spot, where I get to share my life experiences with you in hopes that I can support you on your journey in the ways I didn’t have. What a gift that is.

I took the long way in healing my attachment wounding. And I do believe that we all have attachment challenges to some degree. Even the very best parents can’t fully “see” or understand their children because every person has experiences that inform how they parent and how they show up in relationships. We can have caregivers that did their best AND we can still need support in our relational patterns. It all gets to coexist together. I often work with people who are concerned that they sound like they are blaming their parents (I get that! Hi Mom! You are awesome!). But the reality is that this work isn’t about blame at all; it’s about each of us taking personal accountability for the ways we can each show up more fully, more effectively, and more authentically in relationships so we can experience the heart-opening joy and the heart-breaking hurt of being human.

I say all of this to remind us that attachment work is IMPORTANT. Recognizing and delving into our personal attachment histories, understanding the ways we have been impacted by our experiences, and making active choices to change our relationship patterns is not easy work but it is so effective. I say this all the time, but this work really did change everything for me. I learned how to feel comfortable in relationships with others, ask for what I needed, stop abandoning myself, and show up in ways that I feel proud of. For many of us, our relationships are central to the quality of our lives. When we feel connected and loved, we feel better in just about every way. Our relationships are a buffer against the feelings of collective grief and confusion that are becoming unavoidable. More than ever, devoting time and energy to our own healing matters—because you are part of something much bigger than yourself.

I am so thrilled to be able to offer Pay What You Please on my online courses again! I love doing this sale. I now have a total of three courses to choose from—one focused on healing anxious attachment, one geared toward developing compassion for the avoidant attachment style (whether you have it or your partner does), and a secure attachment deep dive course.

For the next 4 days, my online courses are available up to half off the regular price. You can choose what you pay and I trust that you will be intentional about what you are able to offer for each course. I am so grateful for your trust in this work. If you are able, I would appreciate you sharing this offering with anyone else who may be interested in doing this work.

If you have any questions about this sale, please reach out to me via email: hello@heirloomcounseling.com.

Thank you so much.

Warmly,

Elizabeth