How to Connect, Based on Your Attachment Style
Hi there!
In the attachment and relationship world, we talk a lot about prioritizing connection, but we don’t necessarily talk about *how* to go about the connecting part. Depending on your attachment style, the prospect of creating connection may be fraught with stress or anxiety, or maybe even feelings of desperation or dread. I think it’s important to explore what it means to really connect with another person, what our goals are for connection, and how to connect in a way that feels natural and ultimately safe for us. We can also hold space for the fact that we will likely be finding our growth edges and learning how to be more comfortable there as we explore different connective opportunities and move deeper into vulnerability, openness, and authenticity.
There are several aspects of creating connection that will be supportive for all of the attachment styles. If you are looking to deepen your connection in your important relationships, these strategies will support you:
Practice curiosity. In my therapy practice, I have learned that people really do appreciate being asked curious questions about their lives. Curiosity keeps you engaged in a dialogue and lets the other person know that you are not only paying attention to what they are sharing but that you are actually *interested*—and when it comes to attachment, feeling seen and appreciated for who we are in the world goes a LONG way in cultivating security.
Identify your common interests. Where do you both have passion or excitement? How does it feel to share this together? Practice tapping into the joy that sharing these emotions brings, even if that joy feels tiny.
Practice empathy and see things from the other person’s perspective. What feels good, safe, comforting, exciting, or interesting for them? Identifying this for you first will allow you to do so in your relationships, too. If you have the avoidant attachment style, it may be more challenging to identify your needs. This is an ongoing practice, so please be gentle with yourself as you begin to develop this new emotional muscle. If you have the anxious or disorganized style, you may be so attuned to what the other person enjoys that you aren’t quite sure what you really enjoy anymore. Turn the focus back to you and allow yourself some time to tap into what brings you joy. This will ultimately serve your relationships by creating a greater sense of balance between you and the people you care about.
Each attachment style will respond differently to opportunities for connection. It’s important to remember that emotional safety and fun will support a dynamic that allows for further bonding and more trust as time goes on. Here are some suggestions depending on your attachment style:
People with anxious attachment will likely enjoy activities or experiences where they feel deeply seen or appreciated for the unique perspective or experience they bring to the relationship. Activity suggestion: a coffee date for face-to-face connection and lively conversation.
People with avoidant attachment will likely enjoy activities that allow them to explore something side by side with someone and that focus more on the activity than personal details about themselves. Activity suggestion: cooking classes for a multi-sensory experience that takes the pressure off of one-on-one dialogue.
People with disorganized attachment will likely enjoy activities that allow them to feel safely contained (where they know where the exit is or can access it easily) and activities that are regulating or predictable. Activity suggestion: a walk in a beautiful place for bilateral movement and a calming environment.
And finally, here are some questions to ponder (I highly recommend journaling around these topics or exploring these questions in your important relationships!):
What does connection look like for you?
Does your ideal mode of connection shift depending on your stress level?
If you had a “perfect” day with someone close to you, what would that mean? How would you spend your time together?
I hope you are staying warm as the light continues to change and that you feel a sense of community around you. I am so happy that you are here and I always love hearing from you. I have one more blog post this year (which I am certain you won’t want to miss!) before I take a short break to recharge and prepare for what is going to be an exciting spring! More to come on that, but I am bursting at the seams and can’t wait to share with you :) Please take good care of yourself!
Warmly,
Elizabeth