How I Use Attachment Theory

Hello!

This post feels important to me. I hope it lands for you, too—and as usual, I am open to your feedback and thoughts. I appreciate you so much. Thank you for reading.

As a white woman creating material to support folks who are interested in healing their early attachment wounds and creating healthy adult relationships, I want to emphasize that I am not the end-all-be-all when it comes to this work. I approach attachment theory in a very specific way (one that I hope brings a lens of compassion and justice through relational health and fulfillment) and there are many other approaches that are just as valid and important.

In my opinion, there shouldn’t be any “scarcity” feelings in the field of attachment—there is so much to work on, so much to research, so much to say, and we should amplify all of the voices doing this work that utilize a lens of equity, liberation, and healing. I still have big feelings about folks who state that certain attachment styles are not workable or not worth being in a relationship with—and I will continue to push back against those statements and encourage people to examine their underlying wounds to deepen their understanding of that perspective. More than ever, I believe it’s important that we learn how to love the most abandoned and rejected parts of ourselves, and others.

My intention is not to do attachment work perfectly or even guide people perfectly (because I am doing this work with you!), but to do it authentically and wholeheartedly. I make mistakes and I try to correct them and I learn because that’s why we are here! And where better to do this work than in community with others who have values that are aligned with mine and attitudes toward learning that support me in growing and changing.The more vulnerable and real I can be, the more I’m going to get out of my relationships and my life as a whole—and I intend to do that.

Attachment theory should be utilized for liberation purposes—to liberate us all from the harm we have experienced, the unprocessed trauma, the ways in which dominant culture has encouraged us to tough it out or ignore our emotions. There is so much potential here if we utilize this theory in a way that seeks to break us free from the old patterns interpersonally and culturally. At the end of the day, community is everything because we can’t do this on our own. We should look to the communities who deeply understand and value this sentiment and understand how they utilize attachment theory to meet the needs of their people.

Here are some of my attachment theory values:

• We are wired to connect. Our desire to be in relationship with others is rooted in our human nature, our purest basic needs.

• We are also wired to heal. The ways in which our needs were not met or we were not seen fully are not set in stone; our healing is waiting for us. Healing takes work, intention, and time, but it is entirely possible. And we deserve it, every one of us. Let me say that again: EVERY one of us (even the people who have harmed us! Even the people we don’t like!).

• We can choose to take care of each other and in doing so, take care of ourselves and heal generations past. We can actively decide to create community, reject individualistic cultural norms that encourage us to look out for number one and engage in unnecessary competition. What were our ancestors unable to do that we can now? What opportunities do we have that they didn’t?

• Grief is a doorway we will inevitably walk through if we are doing this work properly. Do you grieve the relationships you didn’t get to have? Do you grieve the ways in which you were parentified and had to be an adult long before you were one? Do you feel profoundly sad when you consider all of the hugs you didn’t get, the birthday parties you didn’t have, the looks of pure joy and love that you didn’t receive from the people who were taking care of you? You are on the right track. We must move through this grief as part of our healing. We can’t skip this step.

• My attachment theory application does not include rejection of a group of people based on harm caused to them (as I talk about here). All behaviors stem from a need. We are all imperfect people. Those of us who make broad judgments have just as much work to do as those of us who have a hard time letting people in or opening our hearts. There is not a “preferable” attachment style (outside of secure, because we are all headed that way) and if any therapist tries to tell you that there is something wrong with you because of your attachment style, PLEASE find a different therapist. We do not ask for our attachment styles; we come by them honestly. You are worthy of love, compassion and acceptance in your healing journey, as well as gentle challenging and a safe space to explore the ways you can show up as a better version of yourself with the right support.

Attachment theory and relational healing resonate so deeply for me and I feel incredibly honored to support others in this work as well. When you love something as much as I love this work, you commit to challenging it, breaking it apart and putting it back together in ways that best serve us and our communities. I believe this theory can be dynamic and that means we must be creative and aware of the ways in which we apply it to our daily lives.

I want to acknowledge and thank my dear friend, Bianca Gragg, who inspired this blog post. Bianca is a friend and community member and through our relationship, I am learning so much. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for Bianca’s patience and her belief in me to show up in my full integrity, in alignment with the values I hold so dear. You can learn more about her work here and provide funding so she can continue her counseling work with BIPOC folks in Asheville in an equitable manner.

Love,

Elizabeth