Assessing Alignment is Attachment Work
Hi there!
I have been focused lately on really fine-tuning my life. This looks like examining each part of my day to day and schedule, structures and routines, and commitments and future plans to be sure everything feels like it’s in alignment. As a result, I’ve had to make some changes that are uncomfortable and stretch me in my commitment to growth—especially because I am so clear that self-betrayal (that looks like over-committing and/or committing to the wrong things) is a path I’ve been down before. I can also say that I have self-betrayed as recently as a few months ago, so it’s an ongoing journey for all of us!
What does alignment FEEL like you for you? I talk to many folks who know more about what misalignment feels like: forcing, frustration, resentment, low energy, high emotional reactivity, the sensation of pulling something very heavy, avoidance, or dread, just to name a few. I also think it’s important for us to develop clarity about exactly what an experience of alignment is (which may be different for you): the feeling of being right on time, flow, full body tingles or chills, a full body YES, excitement, feeling pulled toward something, and/or lots of energy.
You have probably experienced jobs, relationships, living situations, group dynamics, and even something as simple as a meal that doesn’t feel in alignment. It’s a feeling that says loudly UGH…or a tiny whisper that tells you “I’m not sure this is quite right.” So when this happens, why we do we keep working, relating, staying, participating, or eating when we don’t really want to?!
I work with clients all the time who just KNOW that something they are committed to is no longer serving them in the way it used to, or they’ve grown so much that the commitment just doesn’t fit with where they are now. They can feel it in their bodies—a nagging sensation or maybe thought spirals or obsessive thinking. The first place people often go when they experience these sensations is that there is something wrong with *them*—that they are bad or wrong for feeling this way. They might try everything they know to do to make it work. They will also create a narrative about why it’s not working anymore. “I just can’t finish things” or “I said I would do this, I can’t back out now.”
Being able to determine what feels right for us in relationships is really important, but many of our cultural practices teach us to mistrust our bodies and disrespect our own boundaries. Our learned attachment styles also spin us around and disorient us, especially as we are gaining awareness and learning about what actually feels right versus the stories we have told ourselves about being in relationships. Learning to assess alignment takes time and commitment, lots of fumbling and mistakes, and both small and big moments of self-betrayal to get us back on the path of fully showing up for ourselves in the ways we want and need.
Let's define self-betrayal as a moment or experience in which a human minimizes, let's go of, or de-prioritizes their needs in order to maintain relational connection or increase their sense of safety. Here are some ways we knowingly and unknowingly self-betray:
Not speaking up about something important in fear of how the other person would react, or to reduce the possibility of conflict.
Prioritizing the feelings of others over your own, instead of recognizing that both experiences are important and valid.
Staying in dysfunctional relationships long after they stop feeling satisfying, reciprocal, and/or emotionally fulfilling.
Not giving yourself adequate time to feel out a situation or check in with yourself about your feelings or opinions; in other words, rushing your process in order to accommodate others.
Making yourself smaller in your energy, ambition, ideas, or excitement so as not to intimidate others.
Making it seem like you have something all figured out when actually you are feeling confused and need guidance and support.
Personally, I’m putting my energy into recognizing alignment when it happens in the first place so I can give a full yes to experiences and opportunities that are exciting to me. If it’s not a full yes, then I absolutely must give myself the space to consider it more deeply. I jump into things too quickly sometimes because they sound good in theory—but then when it comes time to practice them, I really wish I had allowed myself the chance to sit with it and not be pushed by my internal sense of urgency or stress.
Choosing alignment and integrity can also bring up all kinds of old wounding and emotions. It can feel lonely. It can feel sad. It can also be incredibly joyful and empowering. And ultimately, choosing the relationships and commitments that are in alignment for us brings us opportunities for uncomfortable and worth-it growth moments.
I would love to hear about your experience of determining alignment in relationships. Did this post resonate for you? Have you found yourself on this path before, and if so, how have you navigated it?
I’m so happy to be here with you today. Thank you for showing up and doing this work with me.
Warmly,
Elizabeth