Integration, Internal Family Systems, + Attachment Theory

Hi there!

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of integration and disintegration (or abandonment) of ourselves—how easy it is to break ourselves into pieces to accommodate what’s happening in our lives. We learn how to do this when we are young. Because we are attuned to our environments, we quickly pick up on which parts of us are welcome and which parts are not, and soon we are able to put some parts away so that we are more palatable, more acceptable, and less..ourselves. This happens for all of us at some point, whether that is in our family of origin, elementary school, or later in our adolescence.

Over the past several months, I’ve begun to seriously delve into Internal Family Systems and parts work. Are you familiar? I think parts work and attachment work blend so beautifully together, and although I had heard about Internal Family Systems (IFS) in the past, I hadn’t experienced it until I started working with a new therapist (because therapists see therapists, don’t forget!). IFS supports us in understanding that we have a whole system within us of “parts”—aspects of our personalities that have developed through our life experiences. These parts all play different roles, including protecting us, managing our daily lives, or helping us respond to situations that feel scary or emergent in nature. Sometimes they begin to show up and interfere (with the best of intentions of course) with how we want to show up in the world. They are so used to doing their “jobs” that they don’t feel like they could stop or if they did, there would be dire consequences. IFS is about noticing these parts, being curious about them, and developing a relationship with them that allows them to be fully seen and heard—and updating them about who you are now, as an adult, with many more resources than you had in your younger years. I have begun my own professional training in parts work as well, and I’m so excited for how I will integrate attachment work and parts work in my therapy and coaching practices in the near future.

When I work with people in coaching and therapy, one of our goals is to go back and collect the parts of ourselves that we have abandoned so we can feel like the fullest, most whole version of ourselves. This doesn’t mean we have to revisit every difficult life event, but that we are willing to acknowledge the times that we have let go of who we were in order to feel accepted or loved (even if that acceptance or love was conditional). Acceptance and love are survival when we are young. Now that we are adults, we have the ability to provide that acceptance and love for ourselves and seek it out with people who want to provide it for us.

We have a choice now.

This decision to scoop ourselves up and claim all of our parts comes with challenges of course. We may feel badly toward the parts we have left behind, because we felt we had to let go of them to be accepted. We may also recognize that the people we are in relationship with currently aren’t sure how to support us, have a difficult time accepting these changes in us, or may even reject the process we are in because it feels uncomfortable for them.

This work is truly an opportunity to have a corrective, healing experience. How can the adult part of you show up for and protect these abandoned parts? Can you say, “no, not this time. All the parts that make me who I am are coming with me. I refuse to leave any part of me that is important to who I am behind.” I have been sharing with my clients the visualization of a young child's classroom, maybe kindergarten. The day begins with a morning meeting facilitated by the teacher. The children might sing a song together, participate in an activity or do a check in, and talk about what the day’s schedule looks like. What if you are the teacher, and your parts are the children, the various aspects of your personality that make you who you are? Can you notice them, acknowledge them, make space for them, and welcome them into your day? How might this shift how you feel in your body and how you engage in your daily schedule? What would it be like to practice this for just a week and take the opportunity to notice who is present?

There are so many ways we can grow. I am looking forward to sharing some new offerings with you soon (a coaching GROUP! A RETREAT!), and in the meantime, I want to let you know that I have several openings for individual, 1:1 attachment, and relational coaching beginning this September. My last openings were scooped up quickly and I have loved every step of this process—so if you are interested, please feel free to schedule a clarity call so we can see if we are a good fit to work together. I would LOVE to connect with you.

Thank you, as always, for your support.

Warmly,

Elizabeth