Taking Care of Your Attachment System
Hi!
This year has been a doozy in so many ways. Many of us have been challenged at a truly foundational level to care for ourselves and our families, meet our basic needs, ask for help, and simply survive. I will never forget how many articles and memes I saw at the beginning of the pandemic that encouraged us to “glow up” or come out better than we went in. It was painful enough to have to shift into lockdown mode and navigate our fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses, let alone attempt self-improvement.
In my last blog post of the year, I want to explore how we can care for our attachment systems. We have collectively been thrown into phases of avoidant, anxious, and disorganized attachment this year—we’ve locked down, craved connection and community, as well as become fearful (rightfully so) of potential exposure to illness. Personally, I’ve never felt so busy or bored at the same time. Caring for an infant and engaging in the same routine day after day has been both comforting and mind-numbing.
We have two attachment systems: our individual system, which is wired from the very beginning to connect with others; and our collective attachment system, made up of the people we love and who love us. Both are important and both require regular, consistent, and meaningful care to thrive.
This year has tested both of our attachment systems significantly. The very real impact of the pandemic, racial uprisings, and the election (not to mention the continued decimation of our natural world) constituted a backdrop that put our systems on high alert. As much as it’s possible, we need to focus some attention on soothing our nervous systems and ensuring the health of our communities. Co-regulation is vital to the health of our relationships. Culturally, we’ve learned that we need to manage our emotions on our own before we are decent enough to be in the presence of others (if you grew up with harsh time outs, you know what I’m referring to!). But the reality, which is more clear than ever, is that we NEED each other. What have you missed this year? What did you sacrifice to keep others safe, and how painful was it for you? Our relationships are central to our lives. They are everything.
I would like to offer a few ways to take care of your individual and collective attachment systems, now and always:
Notice your breathing. Notice your heartbeat. Your attachment systems start with you, with your humanness, with your presence. You were born ready and desiring to attach and connect with others—it’s how your brain is wired. How are you in this moment? Can you slow your breathing just a bit?
Surround yourself with people who love you. In COVID times, this is much more challenging, which is why I encourage you to visualize all of your people surrounding you. What would that look like? Would they be standing in a circle around you? Would they be mingling together, sharing you as the common denominator of their relationships? Can you let in just a tiny bit of the love you might feel if you had the opportunity to spend time with the people who really see you?
Take care of your body. You deserve to feel like the healthiest, most grounded version of yourself.
Share with the people in your life how important they are to you. I don’t want to sound like a cliche greeting card here, but it really does strengthen our relationships and our vulnerability muscles to be honest about the way we feel about each other.
Stay tuned in to what is happening in your community. There are many ways to be connected and you are important to what is happening. How might that look for you?
My deepest hope is that in the space that is created once this year has passed, we are able to gather up the beauty of what we have learned and find ways to integrate it into our lives. I’m in no rush, to be honest—I need some rest and some time to sort through everything I’ve experienced. If that’s where you are too, that’s okay. Please don’t give in to the “new year, new you, set a million goals or feel bad about yourself” mentality that is about to ensue. Be gentle with yourself. We have been through so much.
I am sending you love. Thank you for being you. I will talk with you in the new year!
Warmly,
Elizabeth