Cultivating Secure Attachment
Hello! Happy January and happy 2021!
As we venture into a new calendar year, I like to set an intention to show up as my best self. This doesn’t mean creating resolutions or setting lofty goals (especially after the year we had)—but simply acknowledging that I want to be mindful of my daily interactions and embody secure attachment and integrity as often as possible. In our current climate, it’s certainly more challenging—and truly more important than ever. Today I want to talk some about earned secure attachment as well as ways we can embody security and cultivate secure attachment in order to feel like the best versions of ourselves in relationships.
Having an experience in your life, even with one single person or being (pets are included!), where you have been able to be the whole of who you are, is what provides you with a foundation of security and safety in your family, friend groups, and communities. Even if those interactions were few and far between in our early lives, we have the opportunity to invest in relationships that offer more of what we need in adulthood. We get to decide which relationships feel most nourishing for us and cultivate community that supports our individual and collective healing.
Earned secure attachment is not only possible, but it’s available to all of us. What is earned secure attachment? Most of us have the insecure attachment styles to some degree (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) with a solid chunk of secure attachment. The beauty of attachment work is that we are able to shift our attachment styles and deepen our sense of security and stability with intentional work and practices. Engaging in this type of work allows us to develop earned secure attachment.
In this work, my goal is to support myself and others in gaining even more secure attachment characteristics because these allow us to show up in the world in ways that are grounded and centered. There is nothing like the overwhelming feeling of scrambling to try to “save” an interaction or relationship, or feeling so flooded by fear that we have to shut down our attachment system and stonewall our partner to get some relief. The emotional hijacking that takes place when we don’t feel centered and secure is uncomfortable, to say the least. Having a secure attachment system overall doesn’t mean this will never happen, but it does mean that we will have more awareness of what is happening and we will be more resilient and able to bounce back from those moments more quickly.
What characteristics do you imagine when you consider secure attachment? How might you describe security in relationships? These are some of the words that come to mind for me:
Relationships that are relaxed, comfortable, honest, safe, transparent, solid, centered, grounded.
A place where authentic conversations can happen.
The sense that everything is out on the table—there aren’t any secrets, there’s no missing information, and the interactions that occur are held in integrity.
Relationships where you can fully be yourself—where there is room for growth, curiosity, and change as time passes.
If we want to embody these qualities for ourselves and others, the language we use really matters. We can be clear about our message in our minds and hearts and our language needs to match in order for our message to be effective. Here are some scripts that may be helpful in communicating with your important people:
I can wait for you to make a decision. Even if the wait causes me to become uncomfortable, I trust that we will come back to this conversation when we are both ready. I respect your right to take time to process your emotions.
I know this is hard. I am here with you every step of the way.
Take all the time you need.
Do you want me to stay with you right now? I would like to be here to support you.
You are so important to me.
All of who you are is safe with me.
If you’d like to engage in a practice of secure attachment embodiment, you can listen to a secure attachment meditation I recorded for you for a previous blog post. I encourage you to find some space in your day where you can settle in, make yourself comfortable, and give yourself the gift of security and groundedness.
I am so hopeful for this year. Thank you for continuing to do this work with me and strive to create a world where we all feel appreciated, held, and respected.
Warmly,
Elizabeth