Healthy Relationship Boundaries for Secure Attachment
Hi!
Today I want to talk a bit about boundaries in relationships—specifically, being part of a relationship where boundaries are challenging for all involved.
A lovely person on Instagram requested that we explore how to navigate a partnership where both families of origin experienced enmeshment. When I think about enmeshment in families, I think about blurry boundaries, little independence or differentiation between family members, and standing (likely unspoken) expectations that family members will prioritize the family system over all else, including their own interests, friends, community outside of the family, careers, or desires. When you’re in, you’re *in* and it feels really good. If you do something to interfere with the dynamic, you’re out—and it’s not a place that feels comfortable or safe. Of course, this looks different for every family, but if you were part of a family with an enmeshed dynamic, I suspect you are resonating with this description.
Families with enmeshed dynamics tend to have few boundaries and lines are crossed often (in fact, there may be no knowledge or understanding of “lines” until the children in the family see that other families do things differently). Parents may be so open with their children that the children begin to feel a responsibility to care for the parents’ emotional well-being. This includes relying on the children for emotional support or discussing topics that are not age-appropriate (for example, detailing relationship struggles or financial challenges with their kids). A child may lose their internal sense of self if it is implied that they are responsible for taking care of their caregivers, resulting in the development of the anxious attachment style. When boundaries are not taught in the family of origin, it’s difficult to identify and name the need for boundaries, let alone set them!
Difficulties setting boundaries can occur regardless of your attachment style—even those with the avoidant attachment style can feel uncomfortable drawing lines around their personal space or time with the people they care about. However, I think this dynamic is especially triggering for folks with the anxious attachment style. If a partner takes some space, it can feel like emotional withdrawal or even punishment when we are used to family members responding so negatively to independence or healthy exploration outside of the family system.
If you and your partner come from families where boundaries were not modeled in a healthy way, it’s even more important that you have conversations about how you want your relationship to look. Communicating with your partner about relational boundaries is critical to feeling safe and supported in your relationship.
Tips for Communicating With Your Partner about Relational Boundaries
Check in with one another about boundaries that feel particularly important is a good way to begin. What do you need to feel connected with one another but also maintain your sense of independence? How does that look for you?
How can you encourage one another to set boundaries in our partnership in ways we didn’t receive growing up? How can you be each other’s biggest cheerleaders and also manage your own internal triggers around boundaries?
How do you make boundaries a GOOD thing in your relationship? How can you change the narrative you have around asking for what you need, taking space, and being clear and direct? What is the reward in our relationship for doing these things? Notice what shifts and changes. Just because it’s uncomfortable at first doesn’t mean it’s not working—in fact, it may mean that you are on to something.
As always, I want to remind you that this work is worth doing. I know it’s challenging and can feel unpleasant when you are exploring these new concepts in your relationship, especially when these types of conversations were not modeled for you growing up. However, the fact that you’re willing and ready to do things differently is a sign that you are changing generational patterns—and that is pretty amazing.
Sending you love!
Warmly,
Elizabeth