The Role of Attachment Styles in Relationships
Hi!
This week, I’m answering some questions about the role of attachment styles in our relationships. I love having some time and space to answer your questions because they are always so insightful! I hope you find this helpful.
What role does attachment style play in attachment to/with/in self?
Our attachment style(s) can give us so much information about how we feel about ourselves in the world. In essence, your primary attachment style is how you relate to the world around you—how you feel about your place in the world, your level of safety in being who you are at any given moment, and how worthy of respect and connection you are.
Understanding the deeper fears of each attachment style can give us insight into how we relate to ourselves.
The anxious attachment style deeply fears abandonment and disconnection, so there can be a general sense of not being worthy of the time and energy of others (even though on the surface, people with this style can present as “entitled” to the time of others or seem demanding, but this is an emotional response to the deep fear, longing to be seen and understood, and desire to feel close to others.
Folks with the avoidant attachment style, as much as they want connection, can feel incredible anxiety around being close with others because it has generally not been safe to do so. The times they have been themselves they may have been rejected, hurt, ridiculed, or told to toughen up, so connection itself feels overwhelming. In essence, the only person they trust to keep themselves safe is them—so the connection to self is stronger than for the other attachment styles. But what we know is that ultimately, we need a balance of feeling strong in our sense of self and also relying on community to support us through challenges.
What are your thoughts on the disorganized attachment style?
I have so much compassion for people who have a primary disorganized attachment style. I don’t talk as much about this style because it is less common, but the truth is that many of us have at least a little bit of this style in our attachment makeup.
The disorganized attachment style is characterized by a push/pull dynamic. People with this style want so much to connect in a safe way with others, but the times they have been vulnerable in relationships, the people who were supposed to care for them have scared them or even hurt them. The inconsistency of their caregivers emotional reactions creates a nervous system response that encourages fight/flight/freeze/fawn. For example, a child whose caregiver had unpredictable and explosive anger issues might want to desperately to be loved and accepted by them but also deeply fear the physical and emotional violence. Essentially, people with this style have attachment systems want to connect but nervous systems that tell them it is not safe.
People with this attachment style can find adult relationships particularly challenging because their nervous systems are still responding to their earlier experiences, even if they are now with a partner who is calm and caring. I encourage folks who have this style as their primary one to seek out the support of a therapist who is experienced with treating trauma from an attachment lens. You deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationships, and the way your body and emotions respond is not your fault—AND it’s up to you to believe you are worthy of something better and seek out the resources that align with that truth.
Can a person have multiple attachment styles?
Absolutely! In fact, I have a blog post all about this which I will link here. Not only can we have multiple attachment styles, but those styles are fluid. Depending on the relationship we are in, we may demonstrate different facets of our style(s) and notice an increase or decrease in certain behaviors, patterns, or emotional responses. That is the beauty of looking at our relationships through an attachment lens: we are always growing and changing and with commitment, knowledge, and understanding, we can shift our attachment styles toward security and stability.
Do you have suggestions for when you and a partner have different attachment styles and conflicting needs at the same time?
Oh, I feel this! It’s a very common challenge in relationships. The first thing I would wonder is whether you are talking about attachment styles to begin with. Is this common language for you in your partnership? If so, awesome—you are ahead of the game. If not, I encourage you to open up a dialogue and exploring your attachment styles together. Having common language is important so that you are on the same page when disconnection occurs and you’re not trying to convince your partner of their attachment style while you’re in the middle of an argument.
Next, identify the needs you typically have when you are feeling disconnected. Closeness? Space? Time away? Reassurance? As much as we would like them to, our partners cannot read our minds so being very clear about your needs will give you a better chance of having them met. If one partner needs reassurance and the other needs time away, where is the middle ground there? Could the partner with the avoidant style send a short text that says “thinking about you and I know we will figure this out. I will be home in an hour”? Could the partner with the more anxious style take a walk, a long shower, or call a friend before reaching out to the partner who needs space? This type of work requires balancing self-soothing with co-regulating and it is certainly not perfect or pretty when it’s happening—but it’s possible (and healthy communication in relationships does not happen automatically!). Practicing some different strategies and then processing together afterward can help you get a better sense of what works for both of you in your relationship.
Do you have attachment questions you would like answered? Feel free to comment below and I will do my best to get back in a future blog post!
I hope you are taking good care of yourself and the people around you.
Warmly,
Elizabeth