What you need to know about your avoidant partner (and what they’re thinking about you)

Happy December my friends!

First, I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who participated in the Pay What You Please Online Course Event last week. Every time you share my blog or courses with someone else, you support my life’s work and help my little family stay afloat during this very weird time. If you purchased a course, I can’t wait to hear from you (anytime, even if you purchased one long ago!)—please shoot me an email or fill out the survey at the end to let me know how I can keep providing the material that is interesting and helpful to you.

This week, I would like to shift our perspectives a bit to the avoidant attachment adaptation. I would venture to say that most of the material that’s out in the world related to attachment styles is geared toward folks who have more of the anxious adaptation, simply because those people are more likely to be motivated to do research about their style because it can feel so incredibly uncomfortable to tolerate the wave of emotions that often accompanies anxious attachment. However, I believe it’s critical that we examine all of the attachment styles because we have some aspect of each style in our history or experience. I think of attachment styles like a pie, and we all have some slice of each of the four styles (including secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Not sure of your attachment style(s)? This is my favorite quiz to find out!). Depending on the relationship, our styles show up differently.

Someone with a primary avoidant attachment style reached out to me after reading my last blog post about staying in a relationship with an avoidant partner. They requested an exploration of a similar situation, but with an anxious partner. They expressed that even with therapy and lots of communication, their partner continues to spiral into anxiety and this person feels overwhelmed and fearful much of the time in their relationship as a result. I’m so grateful for folks who reach out with these types of questions because I am certain other people are experiencing relationships this way.

When people with the anxious style start “spiraling”, it *is* often overwhelming for people with the avoidant style. When we think about the early experiences of people with the avoidant adaptation, there usually wasn’t a lot of safe exploration of feelings—or the feelings that were expressed were harsh, flat, or blunted somehow. A person who is feeling anxious and scared about the stability of a relationship can appear angry, volatile, or unpredictable (and you know I say this with all the love in my heart as someone who has worked hard on healing my slice of the anxious attachment pie!). I tend to think about people with the avoidant style as being particularly sensitive to emotional expression, which seems counterintuitive because you may not experience a person with this style as being expressive themselves. It’s important to remember that people with this style are having a strong internal experience when emotions are high, even if you are not witnessing that via their affect or verbal responses.

All of this being said, being in relationship with someone who is regularly seeking reassurance, a specific emotional response, or consistent contact (physical, emotional, or otherwise) can bring up intense triggers that encourage the person with the avoidant style to create space in order to increase safety. When you have had to emotionally distance yourself in order to protect yourself, that internal reaction begins to happen without much effort—because it’s a survival mechanism. In fact, I would venture to say that many people with the avoidant style do not even know they are emotionally distancing until they begin to see a reaction from the other person in the relationship. Instead, they feel the fear, overwhelm, and lack of safety.

It’s important to note here that the various attachment styles regulate their emotions and central nervous systems differently. Folks with more of the secure style ultimately learn how to co-regulate and have skills to self-soothe so they are ready and able to regulate with someone else. The anxious attachment style can trick people into thinking that they cannot regulate without someone else, or that the approval or acceptance of another person is critical to their emotional regulation (and ultimately their feelings of “okayness”). Having the experiences of someone with the avoidant style can tell people that the only safe way to come back to a sense of regulation is by being alone and auto-regulating, rather than regulating or calming down with another person.

As we’ve discussed before, it is so important for all participants in a relationship to be doing their own work. Just as it might not be tolerable to stay in a relationship with a partner who has avoidant tendencies and disconnects emotionally, it may also not be tolerable to stay in a relationship with a partner who is often emotionally dysregulated and is not willing to learn new ways of soothing. I have found that because of the negative perceptions of people with the avoidant attachment style, it has become normalized to suggest that they aren’t worth trying to be in relationship with—and if you’ve read any of my previous work, you know that I strongly disagree with this concept. The pain is real in any relationship that does not feel balanced, connected, and communicative.

Being honest with ourselves about our challenges, the ways our experiences have shaped our views or relationships and digging in to process those experiences and create healthier patterns is the nitty-gritty work. We can’t be perfect, but we can strive to be on the path toward healthier relationships and communities. I’m here to support you in any way I can, and I’m grateful to be on this journey with you.

Warmly,

Elizabeth