Most of the people I love have had difficult life experiences at some point. All of us have experienced something difficult before. What matters most is how we perceived those events. How we feel about our difficult experiences matters. In fact, it’s what matters most about a difficult event…
Read MoreRelationship structures continue to evolve. As people become more conscious and aware of how they show up in relationships and the work good relationships require, I see folks becoming more creative in the ways they get their needs met and how they meet their partners needs. The concept of nonmonogamy is not new by any means, but the words “open relationship” and “polyamory” are making their way into mainstream conversations about love, attachment, and partnership more and more often.
Read MoreA partner who doesn’t have self-awareness or isn’t interested in growing with you is probably not a good bet. This trait can belong to a person with any primary attachment style. I believe the popular literature that exists about attachment theory does not distinguish between people who are lacking self-awareness and people who have avoidant attachment. They are not the same thing.
Read MoreI first learned about the concept of anxious attachment in adulthood from Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. A friend recommended it to me for the challenges I was experiencing in my partnership, and I sat in the tea house, tears streaming down my cheeks, as I saw my own attachment patterns clearly for the first time. I utilized attachment theory in my work with young children previously, but had never extended my understanding or knowledge to adult attachment. My mind was blown.
Read MoreHello!
If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to operate on the avoidant side, I imagine you feel more anger, frustration, and desperation than you do compassion for your avoidant partner. I hear that. I used to feel the same way, especially when I was in relationships with avoidant folks and I felt shut out, shut down, and disconnected most of the time. As I talked about last week in part one of this post, my experiences with avoidant partners were incredibly challenging and often had me wondering what was wrong with me in relationships and why I was always "too much" for my partner.
Read MoreRelationship disconnection is a common occurrence in many relationships, and it makes sense why—we can’t be attuned to our partner and their needs all the time, and even if we are, it’s likely that we will make mistakes as far as anticipating what they may need or the type of support that will feel best for them. In secure relationships, when partners recognize they have become disconnected, they intentionally work together to repair the attachment rupture, come back together, and be sure they are on the same page as they move forward in their relationship.
Read MoreWe know that the interplay between anxious and avoidant attachment styles is one of the most common—and I believe it’s because there is so much healing opportunity if we can increase our awareness of this dynamic and actively make changes. It can also be the most painful if we don’t take steps to address the ways we are engaging in a negative cycle.
Read MoreArguing with our partner is quite possibly one of the most stressful day-to-day experiences we can have. On the way out the door to work, when we arrive home and are trying to get dinner on the table, or right before bed; no matter how it happens, it’s kind of the worst. Bedtime is my least favorite argument time. My partner and I are both exhausted and even our best deescalating and coping skills can’t stop a petty disagreement from becoming a blow-out argument where we go to bed pissed and wake up feeling crappy.
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