Knowing Vs. Experiencing in Attachment Work

Hello!

Are you the kind of person who can read article after article, book after book, and loves to absorb information and learn things? When I become interested in something, I dive right in. I want to know as much as I can.

But knowing only gets me so far.

Knowing is something I do in my brain. Feeling is something I do in my body. Experiencing the world, experiencing my relationships, experiencing how I FEEL in any given moment? That’s what I remember when I look back at my life. The moments where I was laughing, where there was joy or even sorrow, the moments where I was cared for by another or caring for someone I loved, when time stopped and all we had was each other—I wasn’t remembering what I learned. I was feeling into what I felt in my bones.

I share this so often with my clients because there is a whole lot of focus on *knowing* the material. I’m guilty of it myself. But the truth is that when I have a stack of books on my nightstand, it doesn’t mean I am intimately familiar with how to create a new relationship pattern. I am using my old patterning to feel more protected and prepared instead of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and actually practicing. The practice is vulnerable, isn’t it? That’s when we mess up. That’s when we try something new but get hijacked by the old pattern. That’s when we notice the shame and blame rising up, always right there waiting for us to make a mistake. The practice is also where the gold of relational work lies. The times when we try something new and it WORKS and we can’t believe that it’s different. When we find a way to navigate a common argument with a partner and we don’t fall into the hole of the old argument and we actually get to enjoy our evening together.

So when it comes to relational work, please keep reading the books and articles. You need to understand the concepts, the “why” behind your behaviors, and the nuances of attachment theory. Please keep following people and learning from those who understand this work and bring a compassionate approach. It’s so important that there are voices representing how we can heal our attachment systems and create deeper, more fulfilling connections. And please recognize that there are limitations in our *individual* healing. Anyone who understands attachment theory will tell you that we have to *practice* this new information and experience it in our relationships in order to create new patterns. You can learn all day long but if you don’t practice it, you’re not actually changing anything—and in fact, you are likely engaging in one of your outdated attachment or relational patterns by staying on the surfacing instead of diving in.

We still have spaces in HELD, my first attachment group coaching program with Monica Leblanc. This group really is the group of my dreams. We have 3 extremely special guests lined up to share so much wisdom with you and support you in putting that information into practice in innovative ways in addition to the weekly coaching groups, office hours, monthly 1:1 coaching, and private virtual platform we’ve created. It’s a whole lot of secure experiences wrapped into a 12 week program and we are giving it everything we’ve got.

Let’s practice. Let’s f*ck it up and figure it out together. Let’s name what’s happening. Let’s be clear and direct with each other. Let’s hear feedback and sit with it and act on it in a way that feels right. Let’s bring integrity to our relationships. Let’s take it seriously but also keep it light and remember that relationships and people are funny and weird and quirky and sweet.

We want to hold space for you, hold YOU, so you can explore this material and engage in a new way. Let’s practice. We can do this together and it’s going to be wonderful and hard and all of the things—but we are going to do it together, and that’s what matters.

HELD begins September 12. Will you join me? The early bird rate ends on August 22 and then the price will increase. I can’t wait to be there with you and Monica Leblanc, my hilarious and edgy and brilliant friend and colleague.

If you have any questions about this program at all, I am here to answer them. I really hope to see you there, and I’m grateful for anyone you may want to share this program with.

Warmly,

Elizabeth