Is there a problem in my relationship or am I just avoidant?

Hello! I received this question from someone I’m connected with and I wanted to spend some time answering. When we find ourselves at a crossroads in a relationship and we are aware of how our insecure attachment styles can arise and potentially sabotage us, it can be challenging to determine where the desire to leave a relationship is coming from. Let’s dive in!

“How can I tell if my desire to leave my partnership stems from my avoidant attachment style, genuine dealbreaker issues, or something else? I’m having a hard time trusting myself and I want to set boundaries appropriately and have a healthy relationship. It’s been tumultuous.”

The first thing I think about with this question is the concept of patterns. Do you see patterns in your own behavior? Do you find yourself wanting to leave partnerships after a certain period of time or once you hit a level of depth in your vulnerability and connection? Is your partner asking for something in your relationship that you don’t feel you can provide or that you don’t want to?

I would also want to know about patterns in your partnership. What are the issues that are showing up between you? How have you addressed them so far? Has anything helped?

I also want to acknowledge how important it is to learn to trust yourself on this journey. Here’s the reality: even if you leave your partnership because of your avoidant adaptation, you are learning how to navigate that. There will be other relationships and other opportunities to show up in your integrity and heal any attachment wounds you have. And a gentle reminder: whatever you do not heal in this relationship, you will need to heal in the future. Our attachment wounds come with us in relationships, even if the attachment pattern is different in our next partnership. They just show up in other forms.

That being said, I do think it’s important to feel like you’ve done what you could in your partnership to remedy the issues and/or heal your own relational patterns. Knowing that you have tried everything you could can provide some peace and clarity around what steps make sense moving forward. If there are avenues of healing that you haven’t tried that have potential or specific activities your partner wants to try that you are open to, it may be worth exploring those.

If your relationship has been tumultuous as you describe, it’s sounds like something is off. Maybe it’s about your avoidant patterns, or maybe it’s about the connection in general. Either way, are you happy? Do you feel motivated to shift how you are showing up in the relationship or are you feeling kind of done? I think there can be a lot of shame involved in acknowledging that a relationship is over—but sometimes it is the kindest and most loving thing we can do for our partner and ourselves.

As you are learning how to set healthy boundaries, I imagine you will come up against this problem regularly—is it me or is this a legitimate situation where boundaries are necessary? And what I want to say is that they are the same! It’s important for us to have awareness about our emotional triggers and the way we tend to cope with them, but if you’re recognizing that you aren’t feeling content in your relationship consistently and you aren’t sure if you should trust your gut—I encourage you to do so. How will you learn to trust yourself if you continue to doubt the feelings that continue to arise in your body? When we have experienced trauma, we internalize that gaslighting response, but you don’t have to carry that with you. If you feel like you’ve done all you can in your partnership, that you’re committed to your personal healing journey, and like your relationship is no longer feeling supportive or joyful, I encourage you to do what feels right for you. The decision can’t be wrong, even if it feels a little scary.

Thank you so much for asking this question! You aren’t alone. And thank you to everyone reading—I appreciate you!

Warmly,

Elizabeth