How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship
Hi!
I used to be a person who would lose herself in romantic partnerships. And to be honest, over the past 14 months of being a mother and experiencing a global pandemic, I’ve felt whispers of those times in my life. Who am I anymore? What do I like? What is it like to maintain some of my energy for myself rather than constantly investing it in others?
Has this ever happened to you? It’s more likely that it has if you have the anxious attachment style because your attunement to others as well as your fear of abandonment can create a situation in which you become hyper-focused on your partner and have little energy for other aspects of your life. But does it have to happen? Definitely not—but it does require focus and a commitment to staying centered in yourself.
Losing yourself in a partnership goes beyond the initial honeymoon phase. It’s natural for human beings to be excited and frankly, kind of obsessed when they embark on a new relationship journey. It’s how we become attached! But once we are settled in to a partnership, it’s important for us to take a breath and recalibrate to be sure we are showing up in the various aspects of our lives in a way that is in alignment with our values.
The process of losing yourself can be subtle at first and include changing plans to prioritize your romantic partnership, doing most everything with your partner, and lacking any alone time. After a while though, you start to find that you are no longer maintaining friendships and almost all of your energy has been invested in your relationship with your partner. You plan your life around them, rather than including them in your life or creating a life together.
I realize there is a delicate balance here—as a culture, we have become so independent that it can be difficult to discern a healthy, connected relationship from one where there is enmeshment and over-identification with one another. However, I believe that in any healthy partnership, all parties maintain their interests and support one another in growing and learning together and separately. Our world should expand in healthy partnership, not shrink!
If you tend to lose yourself in partnerships and want to do things differently moving forward, here are some things to try:
Get comfortable with boundaries in your relationship. Saying no to spending time together does not have to mean there is a problem in your partnership. Notice if you take boundaries personally and identify the story you start telling yourself when you or your partner need some time to focus on other aspects of your life.
Make autonomy a priority in your partnership, for everyone involved. Support one another in following your interests and trying new things, together and individually.
Maintain your outside commitments, especially to other people in your life. Remind yourself that your relationship is richer and deeper when each partner is fulfilled and engaged in other activities. There is more to bring back to your relationship when you are doing things that interest you.
Examine your fears. If you aren’t with your partner all the time, will they really end your relationship? Will they really be mad? Will your relationship end? What are you afraid of? What feels good about being together constantly?
Healthy relationships start with examining our inner dialogues and noticing our automatic behaviors. Doing so will immediately shift the dynamic of your relationship to one of more open communication and healthy balance.
Thank you so much for reading!
Warmly,
Elizabeth