Do people with secure attachment even exist?

Hi!

When we are working on our own relationship patterns, it can be challenging to see how anyone might be able to relate securely or fully show up in partnerships because it really does take conscious effort.

And of course, after you’ve been doing your relational work for a while and you’re looking for a relationship that is truly secure, you realize there are lots of folks out there who haven’t discovered attachment work just yet—and it shows. I hear so much about the culture of online dating in my sessions with clients (which includes lots of ghosting, unfortunately) and it’s clear that many people are not representing themselves or their desires in relationships clearly. Additionally, it seems that our culture is becoming more avoidant, with at least 30% of folks falling into the avoidant attachment style as their primary adaptation, and that number is growing.

If you fall into the primarily secure camp, then you already know that secure people exist. I’m here to remind you that they really do and the effort you are putting in is working! The reality is that just over 50% of people have primary secure attachment, which is heartening as we consider the relationships we already have and the secure connections we value on a daily basis. Don’t forget that even folks with a primary secure style can still shift into their anxious or avoidant adaptations depending on the context and their personal triggers because attachment is fluid. It’s also important to note that secure attachment can be “earned”—meaning a person has shifted their insecure attachment style toward security with awareness and dedication. Attachment is flexible and we have an opportunity at any time to develop a greater sense of inner security.

There are people who are working really hard to cultivate earned secure attachment by doing their own work right now, so be patient if you are searching for someone with a more secure style and you haven’t found them yet. I’ve realized in my work with clients (and my own personal attachment work), that we don’t ever really ARRIVE when it comes to building security. We are always on the journey towards healthier relational patterns, greater awareness, and deeper connection with ourselves and others.

The very best way to find a secure relationship is to keep building your own secure foundation so you can feel grounded, stable, and ready to spot the relationships that are 100% worth all of the hard work. This involves not only understanding your own relational patterns but shifting your mindset about relationships in general. If we have become used to the ups and downs that accompany a felt sense of insecurity or fear of abandonment, then a secure relationship can feel BORING. Noticing your anticipation of the emotional roller coaster and working to cultivate an appreciation for stability and consistency will also prepare you for a more secure relationship.

If you’re working on becoming the most secure version of yourself, I would love to support you in doing that. The work is so worthwhile and it will certainly change your relationships.

Thank you so much for reading and being a part of this community!

Warmly,

Elizabeth