I used to think I had to hold space for EVERYTHING

Hello!

I have been thinking a lot about how I used to think I had to hold space for EVERYTHING. It wasn't long ago that my boundaries were messy and I was overly accommodating. I caused myself a significant amount of anxiety (not to mention drama and ways to keep myself busy) by engaging in relational dynamics that were unhealthy and unpredictable.

I believed that because I was good at holding space, that I needed to do it in all of my relationships--especially the ones where I felt like someone needed a lot of nurturing or care.

I learned to prioritize the emotional expression of the people I was in relationship with and shrink myself and my needs because it made me feel important and needed.

And once I figured out how to do that, I started basing my self-worth on how well I could hold space for someone else, and how much it benefited them.

These behaviors caused me to lose myself in relationships and be so accommodating that I neglected my boundaries and made some big relational mistakes. Boundaries create safety, and a lack of boundaries creates insecurity and confusion.

Now that I have awareness around what was happening for me and how it was impacting my relationships, I do things differently. It's taken practice and nervous system growth that allows me to sit with and tolerate discomfort. Here is what that looks like for me personally:

• I don’t necessarily respond right away when someone asks for something; I give myself space to feel into my needs before I give an answer.

• I gravitate towards people who value boundaries, transparency, integrity, and clear communication.

• I am radically honest with myself about when and why I get overly involved in someone else’s “stuff” and make efforts to back up and get right again.

Have you ever experienced this in relationships? How have you learned and grown over time? We talk a lot about these concepts in HELD, the attachment coaching group I facilitate with Monica Leblanc. One of the things I really enjoy about the group is the transparency and honesty that we all bring, and how we encourage and challenge one another to do better in our relationships--for ourselves and the people we are connected with.

The early bird deadline for HELD is September 26. We extended it because there is a LOT up in the collective right now, and we are scrambling a bit ourselves trying to navigate everything arising. It's going to be a super sweet group and we would love to have you join us! You can learn more and apply here, and please let me know if you have any questions at all about the program. This program has truly been a highlight in my work and I love being able to get to know people over the course of 8 weeks and support them in every way I know how. We begin October 5.

I hope to see you there soon!

Warmly,

Elizabeth