What if my partner doesn't want to work on our relationship?
I receive this question (or some form of it) very often, so I want to reassure you that if you are in this position, you are in good company. Relationships are not easy and they move through many phases over time. If you are finding yourself here, I am sending you lots of love right now. It’s a hard place to be.
Maybe your partner is telling you directly that they aren’t interested in doing the work (for example, they don’t want to go to therapy, read books with you, have uncomfortable conversations about your relationship, or try new things to improve your communication), or maybe they don’t see a problem with how your relationship feels right now. Something is happening that is sending you a message. I encourage you to have very direct conversations about how they are interpreting the challenges in your relationship. I personally believe it’s really important to be clear about what you are needing that isn’t happening right now so that you don’t move forward with any misunderstandings. This conversation can happen in person, over email, or via text. There are many ways to communicate about challenging aspects of relationships and sometimes text or email is easier for folks.
Some questions to ask yourself are:
What does it mean to me that they don’t want to work on things?
What is my internal response?
What does it trigger for me?
What does it remind me of in previous relationships or experiences?
This is where we’ll start.
One of the many things I love about attachment theory is that we can use this lens—we can gain a deeper understanding of what is happening for us in the present as a result of what has happened to us in the past. We can learn that every experience has “roots” in our early life that we respond to in our current experiences, usually unconsciously until we begin to examine our reactions and do the work to become responsible for our behaviors and healing.
How would it feel if your partner didn’t change in the ways you desire? Are you able to accept where they are in this moment? It’s important to know the difference between potential and reality here—you may see that your partner could change and be the way you would like them to be (more open, more communicative, more independent, etc.) but at this very moment, the reality is that they are not. Are you comfortable with that? They may change at some point and they may not (especially since they are not interested in actively engaging in the work with you), but it’s not your decision—it’s up to them. Once we step away from the perceived responsibility of changing our partner, it frees us up to focus on the ways we would like to grow.
Consider how important the issues are that you would like to work on. Do these issues feel like deal-breakers to you in a partnership? Or are they workable in some other way? This is also a good place to remind you that your relationship is going to look different from the other people in your life. It’s so easy to get swept up in what other couples appear to be doing and compare our partnerships to theirs. Don’t fall into the trap!
As I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, I believe that any work you do to become more secure will positively impact your relationship with your partner, your friends and family, and your community. Becoming more secure and healthy is always a good idea. Will it “change” your partner? I don’t know. We can’t know. And you can’t do the work with that intention, otherwise, it’s not really doing the work. Healthy boundaries in relationship work make all the difference. What I will say here is this: the more work you do to become secure, stable, and grounded, the more your partner’s insecurities and/or avoidance will become apparent to you, unless they are growing along with you. This is why the choice to continue to grow and change can be so full of grief: sometimes we leave people behind because the relationship no longer fits in our life the way it once did. This can be heartbreaking, even when it’s what is necessary.
I realize this post doesn’t have a clear cut answer and to me that feels congruent with the reality of relationships. If you are having difficulty trusting yourself, please remember that any choice you make is going to result in some kind of growth for you. We learn from every choice we make if we pay attention and engage in our lives with integrity. You can do this.
How have you coped in relationships where your partner wasn’t interested in doing things differently? I would love to hear from you—send me an email or let me know in the comments on the blog.
Big hugs,
Elizabeth