Your attachment questions, answered!

Hi!

I received some really wonderful questions over the past two weeks and rather than focusing on one, I wanted to answer all five of them. I always appreciate the ways that this community interacts with me and I really do love hearing from you. Let’s dive in!

What are some strategies to show your partner you are changing and willing to try harder for them, and not just out of shame or because you want to keep the relationship?

This is such a great question and one that comes up often for folks who are delving into their avoidant attachment adaptation in relationship with their partner. What I will say first is this: it doesn’t happen overnight. If you have a partner who is expecting that you will all of a sudden be extremely responsive and securely attached, it’s important that they change their expectations. This work is deep and if it’s done well, it lasts a lifetime. We don’t want overnight change, we want sustainable change. That being said, I believe that it’s critical for the partner with the avoidant adaptation to be as transparent as possible about their process. This may not happen in the moment. An example would be sharing with your partner after an argument, “I recognize that I was triggered when you asked me to spend time with you today. I noticed myself retreating and going to the place I always go in my brain, where it feels safer for me to be alone. I want you to know that I value spending time with you, and I want to try that conversation again.” Giving your partner insight into what is happening for you is often exactly what they are wanting in the partnership: more intimacy and more opportunity to connect emotionally.

Also, please do this work for you. Our relationships are so incredibly important to us (as they should be), but the reality is that this work is important for you as a human being outside of your relationship. My hope is that you showing up and doing this work consistently will be supportive of your relationship, but more than that, I am holding space for you to do your healing work because you are worth it.

I also have a blog post called How to Know if Your Avoidant Partner Wants to Work on Your Relationship that might be helpful to you.

How do I stay supportive of my partner who is continuing to process the trauma of a previous relationship, but at the same time respect my feelings and mental health?

It’s a great sign for your relationship that your partner feels safe to be open with you about their past experiences and speaks to your role as their safe, secure base. At the same time, being the sounding board for past trauma can feel extremely overwhelming, especially when we are in the context of an intimate partnership. I’m curious about what your conversations have looked like about this so far. Do you normally set boundaries in your relationship? What happens when you do? There are many ways to set gentle but firm boundaries and these will ultimately support increased intimacy in your partnership in the long run.

An example of this conversation might be something like this: “I am so grateful that you feel safe talking to me about your relationship with Sam. I know how hard it was for you during that time, and I know how much they hurt you. It means a lot to me that you feel ready to share. I have to be honest with you that sometimes it feels difficult for me to hear some of the stories because I feel _________________ (helpless, out of control, frustrated, etc.). That doesn’t mean I don’t want to support you, but I am wondering if we could check in first to see if I am in a place where I feel grounded and ready to be there for you. That would really be helpful for me.”

I would love to see that conversation lead to a larger one about whether your partner is in fact receiving enough support in processing their past trauma. Do they have a therapist or a support group that can hold additional space for them? They deserve to feel held as they work through the impact of that relationship, AND it’s important that the support is varied so that you feel respected in your relationship as well.

What can my partner and I do to consciously transition from two single separate beings into an interdependent resource-sharing married couple?

I love that you’re asking this question on the front-end of the transition! This is probably a full blog post in itself, but I will provide just a few suggestions here.

I would be curious to know what both of your intentions are as you move forward in your partnership. What does it mean to both of you to be married? How does it feel to share resources? How do you currently communicate about both of these things? When we take a greater step of commitment in our partnerships, I think it’s really important to reconnect to be sure we are on the same page with our partner. I’m also a really big fan of pre-marital counseling to organize our thoughts around these topics, if that’s something you are interested in. If not, I encourage you to sit down with the intention of having a meeting together—some people call it a State of the Union meeting, or a relationship check-in, or some other creative name that feels good for you. Giving one another space to express how you are each doing (without interruption) can go a long way in preempting potential arguments or disconnects.

I also wonder what you both feel you need moving forward in your partnership. How will you decompress, and is that different from your partner? If you’re having a stressful day, what can your partner expect you to need? Space? Connection? Sleep? A healthy meal? How can they meet you where you are?

I hope some of these questions are helpful as you navigate this transition. The fact that you are checking in about this speaks volumes about your feelings about your relationship and how important it is to you. I wish you the best!

A friend who is avoidant says she needs space. As a person who is more anxious, am I holding space in giving it or being naive?

I would love to know more about why it feels like you might be naive in this situation. To me, respecting our friend’s need for space is exactly what needs to happen. Have you been taken advantage of in a situation like this before, or felt that you gave the space but the other person actually meant something else (like they didn’t want to be in relationship with you anymore)?

When it comes to attachment work, it’s so important for us to check in with ourselves about our past relationships and notice how those experiences inform our current ones.

If this friend is someone you trust and you have a solid, secure relationship overall, it may be that they just need some space to process. What has this looked like in the past? If your relationship doesn’t feel secure or you have concerns for some reason, I would encourage you to bring that up with your friend once you are reconnected. I am a huge fan of asking people if they are ready/willing to have that dialogue with me (“I would love to check in with you about this. Is there a time that works best for you?”). That way, we don’t catch the person off-guard (which can be a big trigger for someone who has the avoidant adaptation) and we can both have some time to consider our needs and responses.

Additionally, have you and your friend talked about your attachment styles at all? That conversation can be really enlightening and can deepen all kinds of relationships. If you need some support, I have a blog post called How to Tell an Avoidant Person that They’re Avoidant.

My partner and I were doing really well pre-COVID, but now it seems like our anxious-avoidant dance has been kicked up again. I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. What is the best way to navigate our relationship during this unprecedented time?

I want to validate how difficult this time is for relationships in general, but ESPECIALLY if you know that you can fall into the anxious-avoidant trap with your partner. This relationship dynamic is triggered by stress, typically within the relationship—but I think now, the stress is external and it’s wreaking havoc on partnerships.

I would encourage you to consider how your partner normally responds to stress. This time is significantly stressful and unless your relationship has changed dramatically, their stress response probably has little to do with you. That doesn’t make it easier, but taking the pressure off of yourself to be a certain way can support you in engaging in a more authentic dialogue with them about it.

I might start with reaching out in a way that is more indirect (for example, a text or an email instead of calling). You might check in and let him know that you are thinking of him and would love to connect sometime soon, giving options and not pushing. Then wait. During that time, use all of your self-soothing skills and create connections with other people in your life to give your partner the space he is needing (you can also check out this blog post and this blog post to support you in the meantime). Assume the stress is not about you.

When we have the anxious adaptation, we are primed to believe that the stress or negative response from the person we care about has everything to do with us, and often times, it’s just not true. This time may be ideal for you to check in with yourself about what you want to work on personally and begin showing up as the most secure version of yourself that you can. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it if we follow through. And as I mentioned earlier, this work is for you—and even if your relationship with this particular person does not work out, you are all the better for doing it.

I hope this format was helpful this week! How did it land for you? Did you see yourself in any of these questions or answers?

I’m sending love to you, as always.

Warmly,

Elizabeth