Is your love conditional?
Hi!
I recently began reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and it has given me so much insight into the ways that we inadvertently send messages to the people we love that they must do something for us or behave a certain way in order to receive our care and continued support. The book specifically explores the concept of unconditional love with regard to parenting. One of the things the author mentions is that most parents would say that they absolutely provide unconditional love to their children—but their children feel differently. I started to think about how this might translate to adult relationships and attachment theory.
I have personally worked with MANY clients who have experienced some type of conditional love in their families of origin. It’s painful to uncover that truth. What’s more painful is when we start to explore the ways that they are putting conditions on their love with their partners and their own children as a result of their experiences. Much of this work is unearthing, untangling, and sorting our memories so we can be intentional about our actions in the present.
I believe our adult relationships should have standards. But are standards and conditions the same thing? As I sort through my thoughts, I consider the difference between saying “I want a partner who is emotionally available and interested in exploring their past experiences” and “if you (my partner) don’t start becoming more emotionally available, then I will begin withholding love from you.” One sounds like a genuine desire and the other sounds like a threat, right? I also believe there are times in relationships where you have to say what you mean in the most direct way possible and it could very well sound like an ultimatum. This idea definitely welcomes our discomfort as we navigate the gray areas.
Who should we love unconditionally? And if our love is conditional, what are our conditions? I think it’s really important to know this going into a relationship or if we are already partnered, for us to get clear so we can understand when those conditions are no longer being met. It also seems to me that conditions in relationships are often unspoken or implied (which is probably why most people believe that they do provide unconditional love—it doesn’t even occur to them that they are giving conditions).
The other thing I am considering is the fact that in our parent/guardian and child relationships, we don’t have a choice who we end up with. We are born or brought into a family. However, in our adult relationships, we choose our partner(s). We can choose well or we can choose poorly or we can choose somewhere in between. That being said, we bring another concept to this conversation: boundaries. If someone continuously oversteps our boundaries, we will eventually grow tired of being in partnership with them because it feels disrespectful. We don’t have this choice with young children, whose job it is to test boundaries and learn about their impact on the world around them.
Finally, I am thinking a lot about how triggering relational conditions are for every attachment style. For people with more insecure styles, conditions in their families of origin are one of the primary reasons they have the style they do. Those of us who grew up in families where love or affection was withheld or inconsistent understand conditional love deeply. If we don’t examine those early patterns, it’s likely that we will create the same ones in our relationships, whether with a child or an adult. This is truly where the rubber meets the road when it comes to doing your healing work: examining the relational patterns we have participated in and deciding if those are the healthiest for us in our current relationships.
In your most secure relationship experiences, how would you describe the love you received? Did it feel unconditional? How did you know? If you’re not showing your love, how does someone know that you have it? If you choose to withhold it, why? If you don’t show them consistently that you love them regardless of how they behave, then how do they know that you do?
As you can see, I have more questions than answers about this topic—but I love to consider the various facets of this concept and would love to hear your thoughts too. I’m looking forward to continuing this dialogue and updating you once I’ve finished the book!
Warmly,
Elizabeth