Loving yourself might look different than you thought

Hi there!

We learn to love ourselves through our relationships with other people. This is supportive if you grew up in an environment where your caregivers and family members encouraged you to express and stay true to yourself, honor your needs, and stand up for yourself in challenging moments. If you were part of a family system that was less stable, consistent, or attuned, it’s more likely that you will have a difficult time noticing and tending to your own needs. When this happens, you might engage in patterns of self-neglect, self-sacrifice, martyrdom, and fixation on the needs of others—which means that you are not paying attention to your true needs or desires as a human.

This pattern is a tricky one to change—but it’s worth the effort.

I work with clients every day in my therapy and coaching practices who are learning to love themselves better. In this arena, there is probably room for improvement for all of us. My wonderful therapist often reminds me that there is grief in growth (a lesson I’ve learned many times and *still* need encouragement around) and that sometimes, the people we love most won’t approve of or support the ways in which we are growing or changing. We are all subject to our old patterns arising, sabotaging us and our relationships, and getting in the way of us being able to truly connect with one another. But the more we know about ourselves, the more we observe our patterns and recognize the ways that we project our feelings onto other people, and the more we pause to really understand why we are doing what we are doing, the more likely it is that we will be able to show up in ways that we are proud of. Knowing yourself and having compassion for who you are in the world? That’s the beginning of self love.

Sometimes, loving yourself means:

• Saying no

• Setting boundaries

• Staying with yourself, even if (especially if) you have a tendency to self-abandon

• Taking healthy space

• Choosing authenticity over attachment because as an adult, you have that option (I listened to a wonderful podcast episode about this recently and encourage you to give it a listen if you’re interested)

• Leaving a job, relationship, or situation that is no longer working

• Loving someone from afar because that is healthier for your nervous system

• Creating a system of support that loves you for exactly who you are

• Choosing to rest rather than hustle

• Prioritizing your mental health

There are so many other ways to love yourself and every person is unique. Checking out the ways in which you are *not* loving and respecting yourself currently can give you insight into how you might shift your patterns. And a gentle reminder: just because someone doesn’t approve of how you are showing up doesn’t mean it’s wrong. There is always space for growth AND connection if everyone in the relationship wants that. Sometimes, people aren’t there yet, and that’s okay—it’s up to you to make decisions that work for you, even when it’s difficult or challenging. You can do this while showing up kindly, taking accountability for your part, and staying in your integrity. It’s so easy to fall into old patterns of reactivity and guilt, but if you are working to step away from that, know that the new pattern will feel uncomfortable too. It’s a sign you are on the right track.

How are you showing yourself love right now?

I want to remind you that Gillian Hailey and I are hosting our Winter Homecoming Retreat this November 11-13 in Old Fort, NC at the gorgeous Indigo Nature Retreat Center. It’s going to be a weekend full of coziness, connection, and rejuvenation (did I mention that our chef has worked for Oprah?! The food is reason enough to join us! :)). We will be focusing on ways to support you in creating a deeper connection with yourself, which fosters deeper connections in your relationships, all from an attachment and embodiment lens. I promise you it’s going to be INCREDIBLE. The early bird deadline ends 10/10, and right now, you can sign up with a friend and you both receive $300 off the registration cost (you can sign up individually and receive $200 off until the early bird deadline!). After that, the cost increases. We are already receiving deposits and expect this retreat to fill, so please sign up soon if you are interested!

Warmly,

Elizabeth