Everything You Wanted to Know about the Anxious Attachment Style
Hello and welcome!
First, I want to give a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who has been so supportive around the launch of my new book, Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples. I have been deeply touched by the excitement, celebration, and support around this project and I really can’t tell you enough how grateful I am.
I also have some more exciting news to share with you! I have expanded my offerings to include virtual check-ins (called “virtual coffees, where you can ask any and all of your attachment questions!), coaching, and mentoring for coaches and helping professionals who are wanting to utilize attachment theory in their work with clients. This new endeavor has been in the works for quite a while, and I’m thrilled to launch it out into the world. If you or anyone in your community is interested in this kind of support, please visit my new website and reach out via the contact form. These services are available regardless of where you live, so for those of you outside of North Carolina who have been looking for this support, we can finally work together! I can’t wait to hear from you.
This week, I am thrilled to share a guest interview with Rikki Cloos, the writer, and researcher behind @anxiousheartsguide on Instagram. Rikki and I have had the pleasure of connecting in the social media world, and she is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the information out there about attachment theory and relationships. I absolutely love how compassionate she is toward all the attachment styles (y’all know this is a big deal for me, and Rikki is so naturally kind and warm!). Please give her a follow on social media, check out her book, or subscribe to her Patreon for lots of clear guidance around creating more security in your relationships and in yourself!
Can you share a bit about who you are and what you do in the world?
Hi, Elizabeth! Thank you for inviting me to share a little bit about my story with you and your readers. My educational background is in nonfiction writing, marketing, and design; I've been running my own business as a marketer and designer for the past decade. I thought that everything was going great until one day, I found myself (rather unexpectedly) divorced and completely confused as to how it had happened! Being a raging bibliophile, psych nerd, and a bit of an overachiever, I went out and bought every book that I could get my hands on to help unravel the mystery. Not only did I want for this to never happen again, but I also wanted to figure out what had happened - and what my part of it was.
I stumbled upon attachment theory early on in my research, and all the bells started ringing. I even showed it to my ex-husband who agreed: "That's us." We had been operating for some time as an anxious + avoidant pair, never healing or fixing anything... just slowly digging ourselves further into disconnection and resentment. With newfound direction, I dove in headfirst. 60+ books later, my life was turning around in a big way. My friendships and relationships were becoming healthier, I was acting in ways that were true to my desires, and suddenly none of the information in my books was new...It was also about this time that I realized that I had a burning desire to share this with other people who may be suffering in their relationships. One problem: most of the materials I was consuming were incredibly dry and would probably be boring to the general public.
I remember thinking: "Someone should write about this stuff in a way that's accessible, and easy to understand/apply!" I then remembered my dusty, old writing degree and it hit me... what if I did it? I started an Instagram account and started posting about attachment theory to see if anyone else might be interested in the topic. It blew up. This fueled my fire to keep creating and writing and helping people access this topic and the rest is history...!
Today, I am a full-time writer who spends my day reading/researching relationship issues (in particular, attachment theory) and bringing the best of what I find to my audience of 44,000 on Instagram, and through my book, The Anxious Hearts Guide. I'm currently working on my SECOND book for anxious attachers which will focus on Anxious and Avoidant attachers in relationship with each other.
Can you please share your understanding of and approach to the anxious attachment style?
I lived the anxious attacher experience as someone who said 'Yes!' to every single anxious attachment test question. Through my reading, and also careful observation of the journey I took to become securely attached, the way out of anxious attachment feels clear to me. The following is what I hope to share with the world...
From what I've read, an excellent way to think of anxious attachment is the inability to rely on oneself for emotional calm/security. The 50 percent of the population who test as securely attached are able to healthily rely on both themselves and others when the going gets tough. Anxious attachers, however, have almost no ability to calm themselves. It is as if they are adrift on an ocean of their emotions, looking to other people as their lifeboat. If you believe that the only way that you're going to feel calm, secure, and happy is if someone else does that for you, what leg have you got to stand on? They are experts at outsourcing their calm/needs/desires but often find themselves completely empty when the person who has been doing this for them leaves.
Because of this, I've found that the way to begin healing anxious attachment is to shore up our independence. We, as anxious attachers, must learn self-trust. We must teach ourselves that we can rely on ourselves for safety, love, and all those good feelings that we chase in others. Now, this doesn't mean that we become self-sufficient islands who have no need for other people (that wouldn't be healthy, either!) but it does mean that the vast majority of an anxious attacher’s work is to be done within themselves.
In my book, I explain anxious attachment and where it comes from. Then, I go on to detail ways in which the reader can begin to rebuild their broken (or underdeveloped) sense of self-worth. From there, I discuss healthier ways of relating to people (not so codependent) that may have never occurred to the reader before. Finally, from a place of increased knowledge, confidence, and a great ability to catch oneself should they fall, the anxious attacher can re-engage with others and practice building a healthier relationship dynamic.
What are some of the experiences you or your fellow anxious hearts cope with as a result of this attachment style? Are there certain patterns you notice?
The feeling that no one will ever love you as much as you love them. The belief that you must perform/be perfect/not have needs in order to earn love from others. Finding that we're reaching out for contact/affection/making plans FAR more than our significant others. An inability to name and stand firm in our genuine desires for a relationship (taking what we can get). The desire to hold onto a relationship at all costs (even if it's making you absolutely miserable).
Are there any misunderstandings out there about anxious attachment?
Plenty! I think that the most damaging one is the idea that "Anxious attachers just want and need a lot of love!" This kind of thinking makes anxious attachers foolhardy and overly-confident that they don't need to do any work; many genuinely believe that their cold, distant partner is a bigger problem than their desire to change that person is!
If I could clear up one thing for an anxious attacher reading this, I would hope to give them the uncomfortable truth that...if you are severely anxiously attached, there is no one out there who can give you enough contact, affection, and reassurance to fill the hole inside you. That can only come from you and it's going to take work to figure out how to do that. When we can 'save ourselves' and stop relying on others to do all the heavy lifting, our freedom and happiness comes without us having to scratch and claw for it.
What are some of the strengths of this style?
There are actually MANY strengths in the folks who are naturally more anxiously attached! We are natural smoke-detectors... our hyper-vigilance means that we're ultra-sensitive to things feeling 'off' and pay very close attention to what our partners want and need. This can feel great for their partner if an anxious attacher can harness that ability in a healthy way. We are intensely, unwaveringly interested in our partners and their inner world. My partner once told me that he's never had someone else "try to understand him" the way that I have.
Now that I test firmly as securely attached, I'm proud that some of my anxious tendencies(paying close attention to how my partner feels and what they need, as well as my intense interest in everything about him) is still very intact.
What is your perspective on the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic?
The anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic is the subject of my next book! I'm right in the middle of my research on this, but I think that the most important thing to understand is that the enemy is the CYCLE, and not our partners. Behind two people caught up in the pursuer-distancer struggle are two people who very much wish that they could connect, be understood, and have a happy relationship. Many times, I think, people forget that when they're battling this dynamic. If they would remember that their partner is not their enemy, but rather a person who very much wishes that you both were on the same team...it would help stop the combative cycle in its tracks.
How can we support people in our community who have the anxious attachment style?
Education is key, I think. Recommending books that are helpful is a great way to get that information into their hands. Perhaps just listening when they're feeling upset and activated and being empathetic is also a huge help. Whether anxious OR avoidant, everyone wants to feel like they are being heard regarding their attachment struggles.
What do you appreciate about attachment work?
I most appreciate the way that it's improved every relationship in my life; not just my romantic one. Someone living with very severe anxious attachment can find that their family relationships and friendships are also affected - mine certainly were! And just having the information about WHY I've thought and acted in these ways made it 100% less terrifying. Then when I started learning about the tools to stop those thoughts and behaviors from dragging me down? Game changer! How could I not be excited about sharing that with the world!?
I wake up every day excited to use my writing skills to share this stuff with the world; it really is changing people's lives and relationships for the better and I could not be more proud to assist with their healing.
Thank you so much to Rikki for sharing all of this with us—I am so grateful for your work in the world and really happy to be doing this alongside you. And thank you for reading!
Big hugs,
Elizabeth