What you need to know about the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style, from an attachment therapist
Hi there!
Since I began studying attachment theory, I have seen many biases around adult attachment styles. If you’ve been here a while, you know how I feel about the idea of avoiding people with the avoidant style. Side note, there is a significant amount of discrimination against particular styles out there! I knew it was there, but the degree to which I’ve witnessed it now is more than I thought possible (the comments on the linked blog post will give you more information).
The style that is discussed the least, and is also deeply misunderstood, is the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment adaptation. In many realms, I think people don’t want to talk about this style because of the complexity it can bring up. I was even offered an opportunity to write another book in which the publisher did not want me to explore this style at all (I did not agree to write that book, obviously). Unfortunately, I think this lack of information negatively contributes to these misunderstandings and perpetuates stigma around an adaptation that develops in response to an inconsistent, stressful, and potentially dangerous environment. I want to share some key aspects of this style today, as well as remind you of the offerings I’m hosting this winter and spring to support people with this style. As always, I cannot detail every individual’s experience here; not everything I say below will resonate or feel true to you, and that’s okay. Please take what works for you and I hope it’s supportive as you continue on your path.
Here are some of the basic concepts I think it’s important to understand about the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style:
The disorganized/fearful avoidant style is misunderstood in popular culture. Just as with the other “insecure” attachment styles, this adaptation is not about choice or wanting to relate to others in a way that creates stress. The disorganized style is an adaptation, a way of being in relationships that keeps someone safe and allows them to continue to survive. We can see how the traits of any of the insecure styles become maladaptive over time, but they did not start out that way—they actually served people with this style in making their way out of their childhoods. It’s important that we honor how folks with this style navigated their upbringing and came out on the other side. If you have the disorganized style and you are reading this, I want you to know that I see you and you have done such a good job of getting to where you are.
Oftentimes, roles were reversed in childhood for people with this style. Rather than their parents or caregivers protecting them and caring for them, people with the fearful avoidant style may have been parentified and expected to navigate adult experiences as children, without the protection and care of adults. They may have been burdened by adult information or responsibilities, or were expected to care for other children in the home. They may have had to emotionally care for an adult, walk on eggshells around an unstable or unpredictable caregiver, or endure physical, emotional, or sexual violence at the hands of someone who was supposed to care for them.
People with the disorganized style yearn for safety and predictability, but have learned how to thrive in chaotic environments (because they had to).
The fearful avoidant style is also called “disorganized” because the ways in which people with this style relate are unpredictable—depending on the context, they may approach or avoid (or engage in a combination of both) but there are few consistencies in the way they relate to others. This adaptation experiences a strong desire to both connect and survive, and many people with this style have learned that connection is both a way to survive AND extremely dangerous at times.
There is a full spectrum of behaviors and experiences for people with this style. We may see extremes in popular culture, but many of us have disorganized patterning and don’t even realize it.
People with the disorganized/fearful avoidant style deserve love and healing, just like the rest of us, as well as access to good resources to support them in relationships and learn to heal the relational patterns that keep them from being able to fully connect with the people they love.
Shame, disgust, repulsion, fear, and anger are common emotional experiences for folks with the fearful avoidant style, typically as a result of having had to take on so many adult responsibilities, emotions, and relational dynamics as children. Depending on the level of chaos in their first family system (including substance use, unmet mental health needs in the family, poverty, violence, etc.), they may have learned how to distance threatening experiences through an internal experience of repulsion or disgust to keep themselves safe in unsafe situations.
As with the anxious and avoidant attachment styles, the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style responds well to somatic interventions that prioritize safety and security.
This list is really just scratching the surface of this style—there is so much more to explore with you. This year is shaping up to be centered around the disorganized style in my work, and I really couldn’t be more thrilled. I am really looking forward to offering three virtual workshops this winter and spring with Monica Leblanc, all focused on the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style. All of them will be recorded and available to view for a full week after the course, so please register even if you can’t attend them live.
Chaotic Family Dynamics | FREE | February 2, 2024 | 2-3:30pm EST
The Foundations of Disorganized Attachment | $25 | March 1, 2024 | 2-3:30pm EST
Shame, Rage, and Disorganized Attachment | $25 | March 29, 2024 | 2-3:30pm EST
Please join us for any or all of these workshops if you are able! I trust that every person could benefit from learning more about the disorganized style—because in all likelihood, you have some of this style and the people you love do, too. Growing compassion and understanding for all of the styles ultimately supports your individual relationships but also our communities.
I can’t wait to see you soon! Thank you for doing this work with me. Let me know if you have any questions!
Warmly,
Elizabeth