How is your relational health? Or, healthy attachment is everything

Hi there! I hope you’ve had a gentle beginning to your new year. My family and I have been taking it slowly, baking a lot and staying in pajamas for as long as we can. I welcome the time of year where we don’t have to make excuses for wanting and needing to slow down and give ourselves rest. I hope you’ve been able to sink into that as well and savor this time of hibernation.

I’m still reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, and in it, he quotes Bruce Perry, a clinician, researcher, and teacher, as saying “In our work, we find the best predictor of your current mental health is your current “relational health”, or connectedness. This connectedness is fueled by two things: the basic capabilities you’ve developed to form and maintain relationships, and the relational “opportunities” you have in your family neighbourhood school and so forth.”

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot. Many of the clients I work with share that they did not feel they were given direct relational “skills” growing up or that they learned how to be in relationship simply by observing how others were in relationship (which could be positive or negative or somewhere between depending on your family and community systems). Our abilities to reach out and ask for help or set boundaries or state our needs are truly skills that we need to understand and practice in order to utilize them effectively and feel the benefits of them—which looks like deeper connections, greater vulnerability and sharing, and a felt sense of safety and reciprocity with the people we care about most.

When we practice these skills within the context of relationship, we learn in real-time what brings up discomfort, what provides safety, and where our growth edges are. As we’ve talked about before, learning concepts is one step of the process—unless we practice them, we don’t see the benefits of our hard work and learning.

On a personal note, I am learning currently how to expand my emotional capacity and hold space for my sweet toddler whose personality is much bigger than his little body right now. Between emotional meltdowns, hitting (me and the dog), a huge developmental leap, and still needing lots of snuggles (to my delight!), we are at an interesting place together. We are finding our edges together and learning to co-regulate on a deeper level, knowing that we are going to get it wrong sometimes and need to repair. I know he’s not thinking of it in these terms, but he IS looking to me to make sure that even if he hits or melts down, he is safe and loved unconditionally.

So much of this work for me is about regulating my nervous system and learning to manage my own feelings about what is coming up so that I can be a steady, stable support for my child. This is also true in adult relationships—we work together to find an equilibrium between us and navigate challenges as they arise. I love that I have arrived in this place in my personal and professional work, because I really do believe it is at the core of why we are here and how we can encourage ourselves to grow and develop a larger capacity for all that we experience in our world.

I want to share two offerings I am a part of that provide an opportunity for us to connect and do this important work together!

First, registration is still open for the Cozy Winter Workshop I am co-facilitating with Becca Odom. Our 2 hour workshop on February 3, 2023 focuses on simple and effective attachment-building techniques to calm the nervous system and support you in your daily life. This workshop will be an experiential opportunity to learn about secure attachment, resilience and how somatic tools can help you create a felt sense of security to support compassionate relational connections and greater experience of overall well-being. You can use the code COZYNEWSLETTER for $15 off your registration!

I am also facilitating an Attachment Theory Book Club beginning February 2! I’m so excited to offer this 4 week series to explore the core concepts of my book, Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples, apply them in your relationships, and answer your questions. I anticipate this book club will be a dynamic opportunity to learn from each other and spend time focusing on a topic that is near and dear to my heart (and yours!). I have been wanting to offer this book club for a long time, and it will be my final live offering before I head out for maternity leave this spring. I would love for you to join me!

Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to connecting with you soon!

Warmly,

Elizabeth