Do you find ways to feel rejected?

Hi!

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship patterns and our tendency to repeat patterns that are familiar to us. I wanted to go a step beyond that idea and talk more about the ways in which we *may* more consciously choose to recreate scenarios and what we might do to engage differently in our important relationships. I don’t believe in blaming or shaming when it comes to relationship patterns; rather, I think it’s critical for us to increase our awareness so we can be in our integrity and fully experience the joy of being together in all the ways.

There is something that feels good about being proven right. When we have a deep belief that we are unlovable, we will do whatever it takes to show that our belief is true. We will choose to believe our own thoughts and emotions over what is happening right in front of us (we call this confirmation bias).

We act in ways we aren’t proud of. We self-sabotage and fulfill our hypothetical prophecies for the future. And maybe the most damaging thing we do in our relationships is place our partners in a role they never wanted to fill by playing out our story of loss, rejection, or abandonment over and over again.

I don’t mean any of this to sound harsh—I promise I’m right there with you in continuing to learn how to navigate these relational patterns. To this day, I find myself doing this. And here is where it gets tricky: I consider myself to have earned secure attachment (after lots of work to show up differently in my relationships) and I consider my partner to be mostly secure also. This is why I don’t think it’s necessary to avoid people with the avoidant attachment adaptation: because your patterns follow you wherever you go and whomever you are with at the moment.

There are times where my partner and I will become disconnected. I will feel frustrated with him because he said he would do something and then he doesn’t, or we are mis-attuned and not on the same page. He will think I’m in a mood to joke around but I just need some time and space to process what we are coping with at any given moment. When this occurs, something happens for me internally and I start telling myself a story. Thoughts like “he doesn’t get me” or “this is too hard” or “of course he didn’t do it, he doesn’t show up” (all completely untrue) come flooding in. How I respond to those thoughts is what determines whether we will spend the next hour or two feeling grumpy with each other (and maybe even having a full-blown argument) or if we will move forward with an understanding that sometimes we disconnect and we can reconnect just as quickly.

To demonstrate this, I’ve made a very imperfect flow chart for you:

As you can see, we have choices. The more we become familiar with our patterns, the more we slow this process down and increase our awareness of our experience in the moment. These decisions happen in a split second—and depending on our past experiences and the ways we have been socialized, our internal response is more or less intense. Regardless, we all have work to do. We must take responsibility, regardless of our attachment style, for the ways we show up in relationships. A difficult past is not permission to treat others poorly. We must hold ourselves and each other accountable for our emotional responses and behaviors and give each other support and encouragement to move forward. Security is the goal; perfection is not.

So what are your relationship patterns? What are your thought patterns? How does a “pre-fight” scenario look for you, and how can you increase your awareness in that moment to shift the dynamic? I would love to hear from you in the comments!

How does this land for you? How does it feel to consider engaging in this kind of work on your own or in your relationship? I want to remind you that I’m here for you with online courses and support bundles to guide you on your healing journey. We are in this together!

Thank you as always for reading and being here with me.

Warmly,

Elizabeth